Text: Zama Nkosi. Article from the October 2014 issue of Bona Magazine.
When it comes to finding Mr Right, some women seem to have it worked out to a science while others just cant seem to get out of the single lane.
Here’s why you might still be single
It’s summer, which means wedding season is around the corner and another set of friends is getting married. That’s good news for them, but you haven’t been on a decent date in months and you’re still ticking the single box. While there’s nothing wrong with being a single girl and living a fabulous single life, it becomes tiring when you actually want to be in a relationship and find yourself being held hostage by the single life. You and your single girlfriends may tell yourselves that there aren’t enough good men out there, but there could be other reasons why you’re still single:
Couch Potato
The issue: Do you spend most of your downtime on your couch watching TV or having sleepovers with your single friends? Do you say no when people invite you to friends’ parties and braais because you would rather be at home, on the couch? That could be the reason why you’re stuck in the single boat. According to a recent study done at Stanford University, 30% of people still meet their significant other through mutual friends.
Solution: You won’t meet your dream man if you’re chilling on the couch all day. Being cooped up at home decreases your chances of meeting your man to zero percent. Go out, meet new people and have fun – he may be out there, waiting for you.
Cinderella Trap
The issue: Like many single girls, you may be waiting for your prince in shining armour to sweep you off your feet. You have a long list of expectations and while it’s good to have standards, make sure your list isn’t too unrealistic that no man on earth can match it. Be prepared to wait if it’s a fairytale character you’re after.
Solution: While you shouldn’t fall for just any man that comes your way and shouldn’t throw your standards out the window, your wants in a partner should always be realistic and not based on childish notions. You aren’t perfect and neither is your future partner.
Stuck in the Past
The issue: You’re still stuck on your ex – the one who broke your heart and now has a wife and kids. No matter who you meet, you compare them to him and they always fall short. You end up feeling like you’re in a single rut.
Solution: It takes time to get over a relationship, but if you can’t move on after a number of years it’s time to get professional help. It’s not fair on yourself to be stuck in the past while the present passes you by. You need to work through those issues, let your ex go and see what else the present and future have in store for you.
Little Miss Perfect
The issue: You follow rules to a tee and have always been the good child in your family. As a result you’ve become a people pleaser who is too scared to date anyone your mom, friends, cousins and church congregation wouldn’t approve of. You’re single because everyone you’ve ever been involved with has been criticized and you don’t want to disappoint your family.
Solution: This is a trap and while you’re trying to please everyone, they are out living their lives, doing whatever makes them happy. Of course you want your mother to love your future husband, but your mom isn’t the one who will have to live with him. Stop pleasing others and be true to yourself. If you don’t, you may end up as the old spinster aunty whose nose is in everyone else’s business because you don’t have a life of your own.
Wrong Guy Magnet
The issue: You tend to fall for the wrong type. The last guy lied about his identity, the one before had baby mama drama and the one before that one suddenly married someone else.
Solution: When you’ve had a string of dating disasters, the problem could be you. Look into the men you date, not just what they say to you but how they act. Stop being so love-struck that you can’t read obvious signs that he’s just not that into you.
Worker Bee
The issue: Being independent is one of the best things a woman can do for herself, but it doesn’t mean your life should revolve around work. If your idea of a chilled night is sipping on a glass of wine while catching up on work at home, you need to take a step back and realise that life is about a whole lot more than just work.
Solution: When it’s time to work – work hard. But after hours, let your hair down and allow yourself to enjoy life. Do things that don’t involve work, meet new people, go out, and rediscover who you are outside your working hours. Work will not comfort you and it will not hold your hand when your boss is being a nightmare. Even Beyoncé takes a break from time to time – you can too.
Just Kicking It
The issue: Do you often wonder if you’re in a relationship? Are you seeing someone, but nothing has been said about the status of your relationship? You could be the “kick-it” girl, who is being used for sex only by someone who has no desire to commit to you in any way. That would be fine if you wanted the same thing, but since you want a relationship this situation is a no-no.
Solution: Despite what some may say, there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and saying so up front. If a guy wants a casual sexual relationship and you don’t; don’t waste your time – move on. If he has made his intentions clear, don’t think that sleeping with him will make him change his mind about having a real relationship with you. You will only get hurt in the process. Don’t be his kick-it girl.
Single’s Paradise
The problem: You say you don’t want to be single, but the truth is you love it. You have loads of free time to do the stuff you want to do. Being single can be fantastic and that’s the space you’re in.
Solution: Stop pretending you don’t want to be single and just enjoy this fun chapter in your life.
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