Text: Korna King. Article from the November 2014 issue of Bona Magazine.
Your child revealing their sexual preference can be a personal challenge. Here are some words of advice to help you come to grips with the news.
As a young couple starting a family, you expect bumps and learning curves as you travel along the road of parenthood. Getting the foundations right with your children is essential. Teaching them good morals to know the difference between right and wrong, discipline that earns respect, as well as life skills will allow them to make decisions on their own. Along the way you face challenges – tantrums, bullying, lying, poor learning abilities, the temptation of drugs, the list is endless. But amazingly, as a parent you work them out and move on. That’s life.
But nothing quite prepares us for the words “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
You may be in shock, fear for the future, angry and confused, but reacting this way can have painful results. Very often, children come out to their parents because they need their support to cope in society.
Parents react differently – often mothers will accept their child’s sexuality sooner than fathers who can react very negatively. “As a man, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach,” says Musa. “My son is my legacy – to carry on the family name by having his own children. I felt like that dream had been extinguished.”
So what reactions can you expect to experience? A senior counsellor at Families South Africa (FAMSA) confirms that emotions and reactions can rage on for a long time, and each parent handles them differently. The normal emotions are:
• Disbelief/denial: You cannot believe your child is homosexual as it is against family values.
• Shock: Especially if the news is unexpected.
• Anger: You may feel angry because you feel ashamed and aggression is your way of showing this.
• Shame: Not knowing how to handle the situation, and possible stigmatisation in the community.
• Hurt: Why did your child not trust you enough to disclose their sexual orientation earlier?
• Guilt: In some cases, parents blame each other, e.g. being absent, too controlling, and so on.
• Grief: Once parents start to come to terms with the sexual orientation of their child, they experience feelings of grief caused by the realisation that they will possibly never have “true” grandchildren.
Research conducted by Brown and Steyn in 2010 concluded that parents found it difficult to come to terms with their children’s sexual orientation due to a number of reasons, including: stigmatisation by the community; the view that it is ‘unAfrican’; the view of the church that it is a sin; and feelings of guilt as they blame themselves for their child’s sexual orientation.
While some argue that sexual orientation can be a genetic predisposition, others believe it is a social construct and an individual’s choice. Either way, your child’ sexual orientation should have no bearing or consequence to the nature of your relationship. Other than the genetic reasons, it has been known to sometimes stem from childhood pain, with parents inadvertently contributing to this pain. The boy who was (unknown to his parents) sexually abused by his uncle, the girl who was molested and decided never to trust men again and the boy who grew up overprotected by his single mother are examples of such scenarios. This, however, does not mean you are a bad parent.
Moving forward
It’s important to understand that coming out is a process, not an event, and will take time to work through. This means your child goes through three stages – sensitisation, confusion about identity and assuming a GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) identity – before gathering enough courage to tell you. To help you move forward, we have compiled a six-point plan on how to accept your child’s sexuality.
- Come to terms with your shock and disbelief before discussing your child’s sexual identity.
- Listen to your child, without condemning them. Attempt to understand what your child is saying and reassure them you understand.
- Do not reject your child or become aggressive towards them. As difficult as it may be, take time to think things through before you react. You want to encourage communication, and reacting badly will lead to a breakdown in communication.
- Avoid criticism and blame – these only strain communication – you need a clear channel of communication to support your child.
- Do not blame yourself for your child’s sexual identity. Accept and understand that you are not responsible.
- It is important for you and your child to look for a way forward and not keep living in the past.
At the end of the day, you’re still the parent and your child is still your child. So what can you do? “Be supportive. Let your child know you will support them and are there for them. It is important for your child to know they still have security at home and are loved. Your child is going through a difficult time – so just be there for them,” says FAMSA. Other than support and love, take the time to empower yourself by visiting a GLBT community centre to obtain more information.
Case study
Ntsiki and Joyce: “Our family has traditional beliefs and is quite religious, so when our son told us he was gay, we were angry, confused and shocked. My husband offered to take our son to a traditional healer so that the ‘problem’ could be ‘fixed’. I cried for days wondering what I had done wrong. Over the next few weeks, we all did a lot of talking, asking questions and arguing, then decided to go for family counselling, which helped a lot. After hours of talking, counselling and trying to understand, we have accepted our son’s sexual-orientation. It has taken my husband longer to accept, but we are now both more supportive. Our son is still our son and we will continue to love him.”
For guidance, counselling and information contact:
OUT: www.out.org.za 012 430 3272
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