Text by Xanet van Vuuren
Source: This article was taken from the May 2011 issue of Living & Loving
Are your child’s private antics causing you to blush? Here’s how to handle those moments in public when your son decides to “free willy”.
You’re in the supermarket picking out vegetables when all of a sudden Scotty whips out his willy and begins showing it to fellow shoppers.
Oh boy, that’s something you don’t want on display, you think, blushing as red as the beetroot in front of you. Where did I go wrong in parenting my child, you wonder? What must these people think of me? Does this happen to other moms? These are some of the questions mulling around in your head as you get your child to compose himself, and you cut your grocery shopping short to avoid any further embarrassment.
Educational psychologist Kerry Skinner from the Bella Vida Therapy Centre in Bryanston, Johannesburg, provides insight into why boys find their private parts so interesting, and gives advice on how to handle those embarrassing displays.
A WHOLE NEW WORLD
I’m sure many moms have often wondered why little boys are so fascinated with their private parts. You’ll be glad to know that it’s quite normal for little boys to want to touch, look at and play with their privates.
“Children start to explore their bodies from a very young age – even as early as one year,” says Kerry. “Infants start putting their toes in their mouth or they suck on their thumbs because these actions are soothing to them. Kerry explains that a child’s toes, thumbs and private parts are all part of their bodies and they derive a sense of pleasure from sucking on their toes or thumbs or playing with their private parts.”
Children become more aware of the various parts of their bodies as they grow a little older, which is when boys tend to touch, feel and tug at their private parts. Kerry explains that little boys do this because it’s self-soothing to them. She says it’s a very normal process for children to learn more about their bodies and to make “friends” with the various aspects of their bodies. “It’s only natural and normal that some parts of a child’s body will provide him with a sense of pleasure, because that’s how our bodies are made.”
Children become aware of their gender identity between the ages of two and three years, and this is when they’ll start knowing whether they’re a boy or a girl. “It may not be based on the fact that they have genitalia of that sex, but on the basis that if they like pink, then they’re a girl?’ explains Kerry. She says children start to get an idea of what the differences between the social expectations of boys and girls are at an early age.
From about the age of four years, children become a little more aware of their genitalia and they’ll keep on looking at it and wanting to touch it from time to time. Little boys start asking questions about their bodies and private parts around this age. Kerry encourages parents to answer their children’s questions and tell them about the birds and the bees as well as their private parts, ensuring that the information is age-appropriate. Although it can be an uncomfortable situation, you should use the correct terminology before children get distorted messages from the Internet, television or other people. If you or your child feel more comfortable using softer terms to refer to private parts afterwards, it’s absolutely fine to do so, as long as you explain to your child that it’s also called a vagina or a penis.
Kerry says it’s a parent’s responsibility to provide their child with healthy, accurate and true explanations and information about their child’s body when he has questions about it. “When children start asking questions about their bodies, it’s a sign that they’re cognitively ready and they’re becoming more aware of themselves and their body’s sensations.”
EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS
Chances are that your son will unwittingly be the reason for your blushing from time to time. He may, at the most inconvenient times, decide to do a little “investigating”. Although embarrassing, the situation should be handled with care.
“Parents are encouraged to remind their children from a very young age that private parts are called private parts because they’re very special and need to be kept private,” says Kerry. In the course manual provided by the Bella Vida Centre, how and when to tell your kids about the birds and the bees, written by educational psychologist and director of the Bella Vida Centre, llze van der Merwe-Alberts, she cleverly describes them as follows: “Private parts are parts of my body that are covered by my underwear or swimming costume and no one is allowed to touch or feel them. And because these are my private parts, I shouldn’t show them to people in a public place.”
When a child displays his private parts in a public place, it’s important to take his age into consideration. “If he’s a very young child, between two or three years of age, it’s still very normal for him to show such interest in his private parts in public, as he hasn’t yet developed a sense of self and a sense of modesty and awareness that he shouldn’t be showing his privates in public,” explains Kerry.
She adds that it’s okay if your child wants to run around naked at home when he doesn’t feel like wearing his swimming costume. “It’s important to remind him, however, that private parts are only to be shown to people taking care of him, like Mommy and Daddy who bath him, and not to strangers,” Kerry points out.
So, if your child displays his private parts in public, use the opportunity to explain to him that those parts should be kept private.
If this behaviour continues after your explanation, the only thing you can do is to constantly repeat this to your child. If your explanations seem to fall on deaf ears, it may be advisable to get support from a parenting group or workshop and, in extreme cases, consult with a psychologist to ensure that there isn’t anything behind the need for the child to show off his private parts.
It may seem unlikely, but little boys do masturbate, albeit not in a sexual manner. “The act of masturbation can start from as early as one year and is done out of curiosity and viewed by the child as a form of comfort, just the same as thumb sucking would be to a baby,” explains Kerry.
She says the frequency and inappropriate time of masturbation, after parents have taught the child that it’s a private act that should only be done in the privacy of his own bedroom, should be of concern. So when the behaviour continues, parents need to work very closely with the child to help him understand the difference between the appropriateness of the act being done at home and the inappropriateness of it being done in a public place.
Remind your child that although it feels good, there are special times and special places where it’s okay to masturbate and times and places where it’s not acceptable. Kerry says it’s important for parents to stay calm and not overreact when they see their child masturbating. “It’s quite normal for four-year-olds to explore their bodies, and parents should use the opportunity to teach their child.”
Chances are that your son will unwittingly be the reason for your blushing from time to time. He may, at the most inconvenient times, decide to do a little “investigating”.
I’LL SHOW YOU MINE IF YOU SHOW ME YOURS
We’re all familiar with the “doctor, doctor” game that children so often entertain themselves with. Kerry explains that there is a sense of normalcy to the situation when the doctor, doctor game comes into play, and that this is part of the child’s normal exploration. “Boys want to see what girls’ private parts look like and vice versa. The important questions are: Where is the game taking place?
Is it in a secure, safe environment among friends who are familiar to the child? Is the showing of private parts part of a familiar game like doctor, doctor and part of healthy, curious exploration? And who are the children showing their private parts to? If it’s not part of a familiar game and the display is towards someone that the child doesn’t know, I would suggest that the parents once again remind their child that his special parts are only for him to enjoy and see, and that he should only touch and look at them on his own in a safe, private place.”
For more information on parenting workshops based on the book “How to tell your kids about the birds and the bees”, go to www.bellavidacentre.co.za
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