Text: Kate Sidley. Photography: Elite Photo Agency/Shutterstock;Gallo Images/Thinkstock. Article from the March 2014 issue of Living and Loving Magazine.
Sperm donation has helped thousands of single women, single-sex couples and infertile men become parents.
Sperm from a donor is used in cases where there is no readily available, viable sperm, such as single-sex couples who want to conceive and carry a baby, single women who want to start a family without a husband or partner, as well as infertile couples where the man’s sperm has proved to be the problem.
The two of us
Amanda Manchia describes how she became a single mom using donor sperm.
“I’ve been married and got divorced. I had always known I wanted children and decided in my late 30s that I would be a single mother, but I’d never got round to it. When I turned 40, a good friend who’s married with three children said, ‘Now’s the time. Stop stuffing around!’
You’ve got to be absolutely sure that this is the right route for you. I had been thinking about it for a long time and I knew this was what I wanted to do. I decided on an anonymous donor. You don’t get much info on the donors but I didn’t want much. She was going to be my child, not the donor’s child. I made the decision on which anonymous sperm donor in about five minutes.
I had unsuccessful artificial insemination twice. With my first in-vitro fertilisation, I fell pregnant. Allegra was born when I was 42. She’s five now.
When she was about three, she wanted to know why she didn’t have a father. She was very unhappy when I told her she didn’t have a dad. I spoke to a psychologist, who told me that the child needed a logical answer – she does have a father; we just don’t know who he is. She’s been comfortable with that explanation ever since. In fact, it hardly ever comes up.
My decision was to tell her the truth. My opinion is that you can’t lie to your child. And you’ve got to tell her what you tell everyone else or there’s bound to be trouble.
I’m in a single moms group. About six or seven of us meet regularly. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who’s in the same position and it’s good for our children to know there are other children without dads. It normalises their situation.
Before I had Allegra, I thought it would be important to try and fill the void; find male role models. But our experience is that the kids find people that they connect with. Allegra is very close to her uncle. He or one of her grandparents comes to special person’s day at her school. My personal view is that you shouldn’t over-think the details.
It’s better to have a child on your own than bring up a child in a bad relationship. There are times when I would like someone to share the responsibility with; someone to lean on. And financially it’s hard being on your own. But actually, I find being a single mother surprisingly simple.”
Counselling is essential
The emotional side of sperm donation’s more complicated than the medical side. “This is a serious journey; a real psycho-social trip,” says Dr Lawrence Gobetz of Vitalab Clinic. He adds that counselling helps parents come to terms with the situation.
Tanya Rubin, who counsels Vitalab patients, outlines possible issues: “You have to process a lot before you decide it’s right for you. For some, it’s about manhood and virility; some men feel emasculated because they can’t provide sperm. For some couples, it involves a process of loss. For some, having a donor feels like bringing another person into the relationship. For single women too, there’s often a loss of their ideal relationship.” She says that many issues fade quickly when the child arrives. “It becomes about the child, not about the donor.”
Probably the biggest question is whether to tell the child. Rubin says research suggests you should tell. “It depends on your circumstances – whether you have other children and the rest of the family’s attitude.” If the couple’s comfortable with their choice, the child will be.
“In my experience, about 60% of parents tell their child. If you’re going to tell, start as young as possible – even before they know what it means,” she points out.
Rubin suggests providing whatever information you have at your disposal – even if it’s not much. It’s your child’s birth story after all. “Focus on the fact that the child was desperately wanted, that she was such a gift. It’s about the love for the child, rather than the importance of the donor,” she notes.
3 Ways to use donor sperm:
• Artificial insemination: The semen’s injected directly into the recipient’s uterus.
• In-vitro fertilisation: The eggs are fertilised in a laboratory. An embryo’s placed into the uterus.
• Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection: The eggs are fertilised in the lab, as with IVF. The difference is that a single donor sperm cell is injected into an egg, which improves the chances of fertilisation.
Assuming that the man’s sperm is the only problem, the success rate with donor sperm is good, says Dr Gobetz. He explains: “If you have a 24-year-old woman and her partner has no viable sperm, you will use donor sperm for artificial insemination.”
Dr Gobetz adds that the pregnancy rate will be no different from a normal couple who had sex, which is 20% to 25% per cycle. Most couples will fall pregnant within six months, while a small percentage of couples need another six months, he explains. “If there’s still no pregnancy after a year, we suspect that there’s something else going on,” he points out.
Is the sperm safe?
Absolutely, if it is from a reputable sperm bank, says Dr Gobetz. The sperm donor (an anonymous donor or one known to the recipient) is tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Sperm is frozen and the tests on the donor are repeated a year later. “We avoid using fresh sperm, because you can’t be sure that it’s safe. There’s a quarantine period to ensure that it’s not going to infect the recipient with HIV, hepatitis or other diseases,” he says.
What about genetic conditions?
Potential donors undergo an extensive interview process, which includes a family history of medical conditions. However, it would cost hundreds of thousands of rands to test a genome. Basically, you run the same risk than with natural conception between partners – there’s always an outside chance that there’s some genetic abnormality that you don’t know about.
How much do you get to know about the donor?
In South Africa, very little. You’re given a choice of donors who are described in very basic terms (race, height, colouring, age, education and occupation). In America, where the sperm donor business is profitable and competitive, you can get masses of information. This sometimes even includes pictures of the donor as a baby.
Can the donor trace the child or the child trace the donor?
The donor’s identity is legally protected in South Africa. There’s no communication between the anonymous donor and the recipient or the resultant child. The donor has no legal rights or obligations. In other countries, there’s the option of an open-release donation, whereby the child can make contact with the donor later in life.
Can you use sperm from a known donor?
You can. Occasionally, a friend or even a relative of the husband will agree to donate sperm. Rubin says: “Genetics feels important to some families, so there’s comfort knowing
that the sperm is from, say, the dad’s brother. It takes away some of the questions, but it may complicate the relationship in future. For instance, do you tell the child that her uncle is her genetic father?” There’s counselling before a decision is made and as with anonymous donation, consent forms are completed by the donor and the recipient. The donor signs away his rights and is absolved of any legal responsibility.
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