Text: Nqobile Mthombeni. Pictures: Thinkstock Images. Article from the May 2013 issue of Bona Magazine.
With so much bad news about violence against women by men, Bona takes a look at how you can turn this around by raising your boys right.
Raising a thoughtful, well-rounded son can be a challenge; especially if you are a single parent with no male figure around. Counselling psychologist Cathy Mollink breaks down ways on how you can raise a good man.
According to Mollink, a good man is one who has a healthy self-esteem and shows this in how he interacts with others. He is in touch with his emotions and can express them in suitable ways. He is able to acknowledge and deal with difficult emotions such as anger and sadness without having to act them out in violent or aggressive ways. A good man does not need to prove he is powerful by using power over others. He respects women, does not believe that he has greater rights or more power than them just because he is male and does not link sex with power.
Parent Participation
In order to raise a respectful man, you need to:
- Encourage healthy self-esteem in your son by nurturing him as an individual. Tell your child that you love him for the person he is and not for his achievements or other outside factors.
- Encourage him to be aware of and express his feelings in the right way. Small children need to be taught to label their feelings and deal with them correctly.
- Be clear about what you view as unacceptable behaviour and what the consequences are for behaving in that way. It’s important to set boundaries for small children. As they grow older, these boundaries can be relaxed according to their level of development. Encourage your child to be aware of others and their feelings. Think about how you deal with difficult emotions. Be sure that you are not acting out anger or sadness in negative ways. Be careful of the way you communicate messages about gender differences. Do not compare being male and female in a way that suggests that one is better, more powerful or has more rights or responsibilities than the other.
Single Moms raising boys
Although you are not of the same gender as your son, you are still extremely important in shaping his identity as a man. Being a good role model is important. You should:
- Not associate yourself with men who are disrespectful towards women.
- Talk to your son about what you see as the features of a good man.
- Point out men in the community who you see as good role models.
- Be interested in what interests your son and encourage him to go for these interests.
- Ask a male friend or extended family member who you trust and see as a good role model to spend time with your son.
All-Boys Schools
Some boys grow well in an all-boys environment. They enjoy the companionship and team spirit that is often a part of these environments. However, for a boy whose interests are not along the typical male things (like sports, for example), this type of environment can be scary and damaging to his self-esteem if he does not fit in.
When choosing a school for your son, it’s important to take into account his personality and whether the school will develop him as an individual or bring him down. Be involved in your son’s school life; get to know the teachers and find out how the school deals with important issues such as bullying.
Talking To Boys
If you notice strange behaviour from your son (like he changes the way he talks or starts acting violent) make time to just be with your child and let him know that you are available. If your child sees that you are too busy for him, he will find it hard to talk to you. Tell your child that he can discuss anything with you without fear of being rejected. Look at your own feelings about difficult issues such as sexuality and violence. If you are comfortable talking about these topics, your child will find it easier to talk about them too.
Signs To Look Out For
Although children can act in violent ways at any age, it’s more likely for this to happen from the teenage years.
- As children enter this phase, their need for privacy and separation from their parents grows. Build a strong foundation with your child in the early years so that as he enters puberty he will still feel able to talk to you if he has to.
- It’s also important to find a balance between allowing your son to separate from you and develop his own personality. You have to do this while still being involved and interested in his life as he still needs parental guidance. Although a certain amount of withdrawal (pulling away) will be normal for him at this stage, look out for signs of anti-social behaviour (behaviour that does not have consideration for others and may cause damage to society) and lack of communication with you.
- Notice changes in eating or sleeping behaviour. Be aware of who your son hangs out with and encourage him to invite his friends home so you can get to know them.
- A drop in school performance can also be a sign that things are going wrong so try to be involved in your son’s school life. If children are struggling academically, it can affect their self-esteem resulting in them having difficulty coping emotionally.
How Your Son Can Avoid Violence
- Allow your son to be an individual – do not expect him to be an extension of you.
- Encourage your son to have healthy interests that keep him busy and build his self-esteem.
- Teach your son how to deal with conflict without violence. Set a good example by letting him see how you are able to resolve conflict in relationships without using violence. This includes not using physical punishment as a means of discipline in your home.
Raising children is one of the most challenging tasks you will face as an adult. Do not feel hopeless if you are doing this alone. Single parents are as capable as a couple of raising a child who has a healthy self-esteem and is a responsible member of society. Do not be afraid to ask for help from your family and community in raising your son.
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