Text: Majorie Copeland. Photography: Gallo Images/Getty Images, Elite Photo Agency-Shutterstock. Article from the August 2012 issue of Living and Loving Magazine.
It takes time, tact and tolerance to create a happy stepfamily, but it is possible and it’s worth it!
Happy children are essential in making a second marriage work.
One or both parents wanted it, but the children are forced to go along with it.
Suddenly they belong to two homes with different rules, meals, routines, disciplines, bed times, space, facilities and, probably different surnames.
Their main worry is ‘Where do I fit in?’ They fear rejection from their birth parent, who may behave differently towards them in an effort to include their new partner, and also from their new ‘parent’ who probably has children of his own.
The difficulties
A new stepfamily is probably a child’s third change in family life. First and best was their original family with their own mom and dad. Then there was their in-between family with just one of their parents, and now there’s a new one with a new parent who may have children of his own.
If he does have his own children, there’s no biological link between the two sets of children.
They have different parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and they come from different backgrounds.
Suddenly the child belongs to two homes where everything’s completely different. There’s often intense rivalry between the two sets of children, but somehow they just have to get along. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they don’t.
Ways to a happy family
- Begin it on neutral ground.
- Both new partners must discuss their expectations of each other in advance and in detail, with regards to their children – who pays for what; who disciplines; do they spend time alone with their own child, and if so, how much? The list is endless.
- Financial obligations must also be legally worked out in advance, including a clause ‘subject to readjustment’ which should take the difficulties out of unforeseen circumstances, for example, severe illness, loss of work, or the children’s tertiary education requirements.
- Include an arrangement of who goes where on holidays and to birthday parties – this is always a contentious issue.
- The ‘new’ grandparents must get to know the children and when their birthdays are, particularly if they belong to a full-time stepfamily. They must welcome them and include them, realising that this is for the benefit of their biological family as well as their new family.
The ‘left behind’ parent
This is the parent who doesn’t have a new partner yet, and this is probably the most difficult role of all. This parent may feel left out or envious of the parent with the new family, who must now understand any negative behaviour and be supportive and tolerant, as continuous quarrels will affect children negatively.
The ‘left behind’ parent must also put her children first. The children need reassurance and love, not constant negatives about their dad’s new wife or their mom’s new husband, and what a mess their life is now. And they shouldn’t be asked a string of questions about who did or said what, when they go to visit.
√ Part visitor, part family – when step children come to visit
- This is tricky at first, particularly if there are two sets of children involved. Explain to all of them that this is a new ‘family’, and ask them to suggest ways to make it work.
- Emphasise to the visiting children that they are welcome and that they belong because they have a parent living there. And say to the ‘home children’ that the ‘new’ children belong as long as they’re with you, but that they’ll go back to their own home and school.
Give your step children a hug, ask their favourite food and cook it. Make them feel at home by explaining the rules regarding TV, reading in bed, and lights out, but show them no favouritism or the home children will feel jealous.- However small your home, visiting step children must have space for themselves, even if it’s only a lock-up box where they can leave things.
- If a step-son arrives with a nose ring, so what! Antagonise him now and you’ll lose him forever. Ignore it and you may eventually gain a friend.
The relationship with your ex-partner
“He’s a fool!” “She’s a cow!” This may be true in both cases, but parents must put their children above their own resentments. The past is the past; this is a new beginning. Your ex-partner is still your child’s parent, and a continued good relationship between you both is important for the children’s long-term happiness and stability.
A new baby
In ‘ordinary’ families, children are often jealous when a new baby arrives, but in step families, this ‘horrible’ new baby belongs to their ‘proper’ parents, but they themselves don’t. Parents must be aware of this and make sure that all children are involved and equally loved.
Out of the mouths of babes
According to the National Stepfamily Association in the UK, these are the most common things children have said about the re-marriage of one or both parents:
“It was never like this before with my mom and my proper dad.”
“We’re not supposed to have our own feelings – only what they want us to feel. They don’t understand.”
“I miss my dad, and I’m so mad at my mom for letting him go.”
“I used to like Dad’s girlfriend, but she’s different now that he’s married her.”
“She stole him from my mom and me, and we hate her.”
“If we’re horrible enough to her, maybe she’ll go away.”
“His kid takes my things and I never get them back.”
For Help and advice:
Famsa: To find your nearest branch, email national@famsa.org.za or call 011 975 7106/7.
Childline: admin@childlinesa.org.za or call 08000 555 555.
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