Text: Andrea Kellerman. Photography: Elite Photo Agency/Shutterstock; Gallo Images/Thinkstock Photos. Article from the September 2013 issue of Living and Loving Magazine.
Divorces are usually unpleasant, emotional and sometimes downright hurtful. Problem is, it’s easy to forget we aren’t the only ones suffering.
Often our children suffer an unnecessary degree of stress due to our incompatibility with our chosen partner. At times, we seem to be so involved with our own emotions that we forget how our children feel. If we, as adults, cannot cope with divorce, how can we expect our children to”?
It’s important to learn some coping skills, stay calm and take the child into consideration in every situation. It helps to use the ‘stop-think-act’ technique to acquire the best outcome for each situation and not just allow our emotions to guide us blindly.
Children might look resilient and might not seem to understand what’s going on, but they’ll quickly sense that something’s wrong and react to your emotions and behaviour.
Toddlers often act out when their parents are divorcing. Remember that they’re dealing with many emotions. Ease the transition by giving them tools to help them cope.
The following tips will help your toddler through the process.
Consistency
This is a watchword for divorcing parents. They should be mindful of the need for consistency in the child’s life.
This is no time to drag them from house to house. If possible, they should stay in familiar surroundings where the non-custodial parent can visit.
Conflict
If you have to argue or ‘debate passionately’, make sure to do it in a way that doesn’t cause your child undue fear or concern.
Remember, you’re the adults in this situation and you have a responsibility to your child, which is to reduce the harm and stress that the separation will cause.
Toddlers need, consistency. Make sure they feel safe, loved and secure.
Communication
Although toddlers understand better than infants, there’s a lot they don’t grasp.
They can understand one parent has left the home, but won’t understand why. Their concept of time is also arbitrary. Your child may ask you when he’s going to see his daddy or why mommy isn’t here anymore. No matter how many times you have to give him the answers, don’t get frustrated, as their world is very confusing at this time.
Behaviour
Toddlers often test their boundaries by saying ‘no’ to adults or test limits by hitting or throwing.
This behaviour can increase during a divorce due to confused boundaries and definitions in the family environment. Toddlers need clear, consistent rules that are enforced in a loving way.
It’s hard for your toddler to manage and moderate his feelings. Help him manage the intensity with appropriate displays of affection.
Empathy
Toddlers don’t have a very developed sense of empathy and tend to be concerned with how their own needs are met.
With a divorce, their sense of security becomes more self-oriented and their concern is about whether or not they’ll be secure and loved.
Emotions
As your toddler becomes more aware of his own feelings, he learns to express them through words and play.
As tensions increase in the household due to impending divorce, he may become more reactive. It’s hard for him to manage and moderate strong feelings. Don’t forget to let him know that it’s okay to feel.
But remember to help him manage the intensity by proper displays of your own emotional state and appropriate levels of affection and understanding towards him.
Traditional roles have changed and evolved.
Greater social acceptance
As society becomes more accepting of divorces and divorcees, the more individuals are willing to pursue it as a route out of an undesirable marriage.
Empowerment
Women are becoming more aware of their rights and feel more empowered and less likely to remain in abusive or undesirable relationships. Furthermore, laws have changed and there’s no need to prove who was responsible for breaking up the marriage.
Tips on telling your child
• Both parents should be there when breaking the news.
• Keep the news short.
• Assure your child he’ll always be loved.
• Tell him you’ll likely spend more time with him.
• Carefully practise what you’re going to say.
• Disparaging the other parent will make your child feel guilty.
Why are divorce rates increasing? There are several reasons why there could be an increase in the number of divorces.
Traditional roles
As the definition of traditional roles becomes blurred, there’s a rise in open disagreement that often ends in divorce.
“We heal through a loving connection. Every time we’re hurt or feel like we can’t go on, it’s someone reaching out and connecting that makes the difference. And love – no matter how it’s offered or when it comes – can build a bridge to something better.” Dr Erich Neumann, child psychologist
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