Words: Andrea Kellerman, Sport and Educational Psychologist, & Jade Thompson. Article from Do It Now Blog June 2015.
Health | Fitness
When a loved one has died we feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to handle our own emotions. Often, as a parent, we are also at a loss of how to help our children, who might need us more than ever before.
Some children do not open up about their feelings and bottle up their emotions. Everyone grieves in a different way and that is ok.
Here is what my 13-year-old niece, Jade, wrote about how she dealt with her mom’s death, from motor neuron disease. But first some background.
Jade’s mom, Trixie, was always a keen cyclist, healthy and fit. Then in 2011, her hand and foot went numb and she couldn’t move them properly any more. Trixie went to see a hand specialist, who attributed the weakness to a damaged nerve due to cycling, which is apparently quite common with cyclists. They agreed she should change her grip so that she would not put pressure on the nerve, and then come back in a couple of months.
Three-months later, she was back in his office and you could clearly see the muscle wastage in her hand. The doctor was noticeably confused and a bit concerned. Usually, only two nerves are affected with cycling, but it was clear that a third nerve had also been damaged. He sent her for a MRI of her hand, blood tests and a referral to go and see a neurologist.
At the time, Trixie was training eight to ten hours a week for the Trans Baviaans, a 230 km single-stage race from Willowmore to Jeffreys Bay. Although she had lost almost 60% of the function in her right hand and couldn’t write anymore, she still managed to ride by changing the gears so that she didn’t need to use her thumb to change gears.
The symptoms got worse and worse and eventually the doctors diagnosed her with motor neuron disease – and gave her little hope. Within a few months she couldn’t move much at all anymore and had to use a wheelchair. Despite trying therapy, medication and treatment, her disease was unstoppable. Trixie’s children were 11 and 7 at that time and it was very hard for them to understand what she was going through – and that the disease was not curable.
What happened to my mom
When I found out she was sick, I thought she would get better, but then my mom and my dad and all other people were talking about what is going to happen when she’s gone. I got angry and when my dad and my mom wanted to talk to me about her illness I would either ignore them or walk away. My relationship with my mom changed because when she wanted to talk about her illness I felt weird talking about it with her or with anyone. I felt like I was pushing my mom away because I was too scared about what was happening around me. She went to many different doctors and even flew to London for medication and treatment. I thought she would get better but she didn’t – she got worse.
The morning that my mom died, my grandparents were visiting and my aunt was sleeping with my mom that night so my dad could get some rest. In the morning, I saw that my mom was breathing very heavily and something didn’t feel right. I looked at my gran and saw sadness in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she walked over to my mom and gave her a kiss and told me to give her a hug and then we left and let her sleep.
I went back to my room and told my dad how mom was breathing funny and he must come right away. He came in the room and when I saw that same sadness look in his eye as I did with my grandmother, I still didn’t understand. My dad phoned my mom’s best friend and our family and they arrived quite quickly. I thought to myself, “Why were they all crying?” My dad asked me if I would like to stay here at home or go to school. I chose go to school and my godfather dropped me off. My brother came too.
I was at school that morning looking at our apartment; I could see it from the window in our classroom. That morning I had to sing in assembly. I looked at the clock and it was 9 am, I felt sadness in my heart for some reason I didn’t understand. After assembly I went back to my classroom. I arrived there first and saw that my teacher was crying and I didn’t understand why. She asked me to go to another room, sat me down and told me that my mommy has gone to heaven.
At the funeral, Jade sang this song she had written for her Mom:
I remember your voice whenever you call
I get a shock when I walk past the wall
An empty bed, the things you said
But you’re not there ….. anymore.
I cried on your shoulder, the tears fell down
We danced together and you’re still dancing now
There are lots of things that make me think of you.
I can’t describe in words of just how much I miss you.
Can you hear me
Above the sound of the angels singing
Can you hear my voice
Above the bells of the heavens ringing.
I’m waiting behind the door
I’ll miss you more and more
But I’m glad that you’re not suffering anymore.
I chose a star and that one’s for you
It’s the brightest star
And the biggest one too
And that’s my way of saying
I love you.
I can’t describe in words just how much I miss you
I miss your smile, your beautiful face
And when you used to say
I love you.
Dealing with the pain
The first year went by and I still felt a lot of pain, obviously that will never go away. Time and school work made me feel better, but I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions. When my dad wanted to talk to me about my mom and asked me how I’m feeling, I would feel awkward and walk away.
My mom is dead for over two years now and I’m feeling better. I do try and avoid talking about her at times. But every now and then I get a memory and at times I miss her lots. Like on Mother’s Day or her birthday or if I see one of my friends cuddling with their moms and I feel left out.
Everyone deals with grief in their own way. After the loss of my mom, I went to see a therapist, but after a while I decided to stop going to my sessions. I found different techniques that worked for me, like drawing my emotions, listening to music, crying and distracting myself at times.
In the beginning I also dealt with my emotions. I dealt by not talking or thinking about them because it made me sad. I would mostly cry in my room when nobody was around me or sometimes when I went to bed. I’m one of those people who don’t like attention or people feeling sorry for me. So I didn’t like crying in front of people and tried to avoid doing so. Although I don’t always express my emotions to others, allowing myself to cry in moments of sadness is comforting to me and I often feel better afterwards.
I may not be an expert on the topic of grief, but if I had to give any advice on how others can deal with theirs, I would tell them that accepting the loss of a loved one is never an easy thing to deal with. To be truthful, the pain will never ever really go away, but I want them to know that things do get better over time. It might take a little longer than they want it to, but they will feel happiness again.
I would also suggest that, as difficult as it may be, they should try and find the positive in the situation that they are dealing with. For those who are religious, they can find comfort in the idea that their loved one is in Heaven and is watching over them every day. For others, they can find comfort in the idea that their loved one is no longer suffering and can find joy in celebrating their life and everything that they loved.
In a moment of loss, your life feels like it is crumbling around you, but over time things will get better. I know that my methods may not work for everyone, but I hope that what I have said will help someone deal with their grief in some way or at least give them hope that things will get better over time.
Jade has learned different skills to handle her mother’s death. Here are some more hint and tips how you can help your child in this difficult situation:
- Teach children that death is part of life.
- Include them and be honest about what is going on.
- Don’t delay telling them about a death and be open to listening to them.
- Recognise their emotions and help them with negative ones, like fears.
- Let them see you grieve and allow them to grieve their way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
- Cherish the memories and also allow them to accept the situation.
It is important to be open to your child’s emotions and not just try to be strong for him or her. Try to get help from friends, family or professionals if you are feeling down and do not know how to handle your emotions. When feeling down, adults tend to show their emotions differently to children. Often adults tend to feel low in any given situation after having lost a loved one, where as children are able to ‘snap out’ of low feelings when they are in happy environments that distract them. This doesn’t mean that they are not grieving or that they have gotten over their painful emotions. Sharing emotions and seeing what works best for each individual in this difficult situation is very helpful in overcoming emotional pain.
More information
If you need help or are interested in getting more hints and tips on how to deal with grief, then email Andrea Kellerman, visit the website or contact her office on 031-266 8563.
About Andrea Kellerman
Andrea has studied Human Movement Science, Biokinetics, Psychology, Hypnotherapy and Neurofeedback Therapy, and works in schools, colleges, universities, hospitals and private practice. Currently, she is working in private practice in Westville and specialises in anxiety, depression, stress, concentration problems, insomnia, eating disorders and ADD/ADHD, as well as people who needed to stop smoking, lose weight and reduce phobias. She helps a lot of people to achieve their goals and lead a happier life. Furthermore, Andrea has helped many athletes to increase their sporting performance, achieving great success. Apart from counselling, Andrea uses hypnotherapy and neurofeedback to assist her clients.
