Text: Kate Sidley. Article from the October 2014 issue of Living and Loving Magazine.
Dealing with a toddler can get even the most patient mom hot under the collar. Try these great tips for dealing with tricky toddlers.
The toddler years are not always the easiest for parents or children, says Pam Gillingham, director of Family Life Centre in Johannesburg. She explains that at the age of one or two, children don’t have the words to express their needs or desires. They can’t say ‘I would like to play with that now’, or ‘I feel scared’.
“This is very frustrating for toddlers,” she says. “Often they’ll act out, either with aggression, or by crying or withdrawing. The behaviour is labelled as naughty, but it’s not really about that; it’s about the child not feeling understood. It’s important for parents to remember that behaviour always expresses some kind of need. So my advice to parents, when dealing with challenging behaviour, is to start with the question: ‘What is it that my child is trying to express through this behaviour? Is it a physical need or perhaps a need for attention?'”
While the toddler is feeling frustrated, the parents have their own difficult feelings to contend with. When you feel that you’re in danger of losing your cool with your toddler, Pam suggests trying to identify what it is that you’re feeling. “Parents, particularly first-time parents, often feel overwhelmed, helpless, frustrated or incompetent. Knowing that these feelings are very normal, can be helpful. Think about what exactly is creating your anxiety and stress. We often find that our own childhood issues influence the way we parent, and parenting brings up difficult issues for us.”
Negative self-talk is tempting: ‘You’re a bad mom; you can’t control your temper; you’ve failed to teach your child manners’, but it’s self-defeating. You become less rather than more able to deal with your toddler. Pam suggests some more positive responses: “Instead of beating yourself up about it, take a breath and walk away from the situation for a while. If you have lost your temper, apologise to your child.
“Also, read up on childhood development and why toddlers are the way they are, and how you can handle them.”
Parenting can feel very lonely, particularly when it’s not going well. Phone your mom or best friend for a chat, or discuss the situation with your partner. If you are really not coping or you fear your anger is excessive or out of control, talk to a professional.
We all make mistakes. Take a long-term view and remember that your priority is your child’s emotional and physical wellbeing.
1. Take time out
Yes, you! Time out is excellent for parents. When you feel exasperated, frustrated or angry, you’re unlikely to cope well with an altercation. Ann Richardson, nursing sister and co-author of Toddler Sense, says, “If it’s safe, walk away and leave your child to learn how to self-calm. She’ll see that you’re not feeding the behaviour, and you’ll have the opportunity to calm down too.”
Try something like, “I’m going to sit in the garden for a little while. When you’re ready to play nicely, come and call me and we can go to the park.”
2. Let someone else take charge
If you’re struggling with your emotions and your responses, it may be a good idea to step out of the conflict and let another – calmer – adult take over. If your partner is around and not involved in the fray, he may be a calming influence.
3. Change your perspective
Do you find yourself saying things like, “She really knows how to push my buttons”, or “She’s just trying to wind me up”? Understanding toddler development helps you recognise that while your toddler might be infuriating at times, she’s not trying to drive you crazy. She’s a busy, energetic little person who is trying to exercise control over her world. She wants her own way and is often frustrated. She doesn’t have patience or empathy. She’s acting like a child because she is a child!” Ann says, “Also ask yourself if what you’re expecting is reasonable for your child’s age. You can expect her to sit for 10 minutes in her high chair and eat lunch with you, but not to sit quietly in a restaurant for two hours.”
4. Recognise your anger signals
A raised heartbeat, sweaty palms, etc., are signals. Act before the situation gets out of hand. Take some deep breaths, take a step back, and survey the situation. What are you really upset about? Is it that important? Is it still possible to defuse the situation?
5. Let it go
Pick your battles, is good advice. Some things are non-negotiable, like brushing teeth, using a car seat, and not pulling the cat’s tail, but there’s a big grey area.
Ann is a believer in ignoring bad behaviour. She says, “When siblings bicker, unless it gets really nasty, it’s often better to let them sort it out themselves.” Ignoring bad behaviour can be effective – after all, your toddler loves attention – even bad attention.
Sometimes having your way isn’t the most important thing, and just cuddling your toddler feels right.
Minefields and how to handle them
She won’t listen
Toddlers sometimes seem to suffer from selective deafness. You’re blabbing on about what she must or mustn’t do, but she’s so busy with her own business that your message seems to be going in one ear and out the other.
Try this Kneel or squat down so that you are at your child’s level and make eye contact, says Ann. “Touch is very powerful – just a gentle hand on her shoulder or wrist. Then speak in a quiet and measured voice. If you start to sound hysterical, she will start to act out.”
She’s hurting her friends
A bit of pushing and shoving is to be expected at this age, but you do need to intervene to make sure no one gets hurt.
Try this Ann suggests the following: “If your child is the aggressor, say ‘No, that’s naughty’, and then turn your back on her, cutting her out with your body language, while you give your full attention to the victim. You can talk to your child later and explain again that we don’t hit people.”
She’s being destructive
Toddlers can be wild whirlwinds of mess and breakages.
Try this Diversion is your best tool. If she’s throwing her juice cup on the floor, get out the beanbags and play a throwing game with her. If she’s making a big noise banging her toys on the coffee table, give her a pot and a wooden spoon and let her do it outside.
But I don’t want to …
Toddlers love to challenge you, and the word ‘No’ becomes a favourite word. You’re getting ready for playschool, but she refuses to put her shoes on. What do you do?
Try this Don’t shout and yell and get into a confrontation. This could well be one of those times when you decide not to engage, and rather sidestep the issue instead. For instance, you might tell her, “Okay, let’s have breakfast first and then we’ll do shoes.” Or perhaps she can go barefoot in the car, and by the time you get to school, she’ll have forgotten all about her previous refusal and you can pop her shoes on without a fuss.
Supermarket meltdown
You nip into the shops to get a few things for supper, but your toddler spots the sweets and you find yourself dealing with an hysterical toddler under the judgemental gaze of the other customers.
Try this You can’t just give in. If you do, your child learns that tantrums result in sweets! Make eye contact and calmly tell her that you understand that she wants a sweet, but you’re only shopping for supper. Tell her you’ll be as quick as you can so that you can get home and make that delicious spaghetti for her. Then get out quick!
TOP TRICKS for dealing with toddler
Take care of the basics
A child who’s hungry, thirsty or tired is more likely to act up, says Ann. Make sure she gets enough sleep, take a snack for her in your bag, and schedule outings for times when she’s likely to be well fed and rested.
Have a routine
Toddlers like to know what to expect, says Ann. “Tell her: ‘After lunch we’re going to the shops in the car’. Remember, children pick up our signals. If mom is in a state and always dashing in and out, a sensitive toddler will feel rattled and out of control.”
Help your child understand and voice her feelings
One of the reasons that toddlers act out is that they have no way to understand or share their feelings. These years are important for teaching your child that all feelings are allowed, but not all behaviour is allowed.
Keep it simple: say, for example: “I understand that you are cross because your sister knocked over your castle. It’s okay to be cross, but it’s not okay to smack your sister. When you are cross, rather tell her that you are cross.”
Praise good behaviour
Even good-ish behaviour! Children crave their parents’ attention.
See the funny side
Humour is great for breaking tension.
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