Human beings are inquisitive by nature – especially little ones who are becoming aware of their own bodies. But what do we tell them about the birds and bees at this stage?
For many parents the topic of sexuality is taboo. Although it’s a perfectly natural thing, a lot of moms and dads feel embarrassed to answer their children’s questions about it. Ilze van der Merwe, eductional psychologist and director of Bella Vida Therapy Centre in Johannesburg, is known for her popular parenting workshops. Here, she gives parents advice about how to handle difficult questions about sex.
When is the best age to start teaching children about sex?
“The best age is from about 3 years, and the rule of thumb is always to give small amounts of info to younger kids, and more to older kids. I believe that kids should have a basic sexual education by the age of 6 years. This includes explaining sex, childbirth, erections, names of private parts, safety rules about private parts, and that they are private and not toys with which to play. It is the responsibility of parents to give their children knowledge of this nature, as this helps to empower them,” says Van der Merwe.
When do boys and girls become aware of their differences?
Around the age of about 4 years, children become aware of the differences between them, as they go into the developmental phase of sexual identification. “Before that they’ll say, ‘I am a boy because I have short hair’, but after the awareness phase a child normally will say, ‘I am a boy because I have a willy or penis’.”
Is nudity acceptable among families and, if so, until when?
The topic of nudity almost always comes up during Van der Merwe ‘s parenting workshops. “I believe that nudity is acceptable when everyone in the family is comfortable with it. Boundaries come into play when someone indicates embarrassment – it can be either the child or the parent. Most children go into the developmental phase of embarrassment after they are 6 years old. Parents can pick up on this when their kids start to cover their private parts or when they don’t want to be naked in front of others anymore. Parents should be respectful and at least knock on the bathroom or bedroom door before entering. Privacy is very important and should be respected at all times, regardless of your child’s age.
“Furthermore, when your child shows you modesty, shyness or embarrassment, you should stop being naked in front of him. For example, if your son walks into your bedroom as you are getting dressed and makes a remark such as, ‘Oops, Mom, I see you are busy getting dressed’, then make sure that in future situations he respects your privacy, and when he sees the bedroom door is shut, that he knocks before coming in. Children can continue to bath together until the first child – usually the firstborn – says that he does not want to bath with his brother or sister anymore. Show respect for this too and let each child bath separately.”
Can toddlers have sexual feelings?
“When a mom breastfeeds her son, he can have an erection because his body naturally responds to the stimuli,” says Van der Merwe, “but he does not sexually desire his mom! Baby girls can have lubrication on their vulvas during breastfeeding for the same reason. Baby boys can have erections; toddlers too. It would be abnormal if they didn’t. Young boys can also get erections when they see something they find ‘sexually attractive’.”
How do parents explain and handle masturbation?
Van der Merwe expains that boys and girls masturbate as a way of self-soothing and self-nurturing: “Many children calm themselves down enough to fall asleep by touching themselves. Masturbation should be explained to children as follows: ‘Remember you have your own private parts (parents should have done the basic sex education already) and that only you are allowed to touch your own private parts. You can touch and play with your own private parts and it will feel nice, but you must only do this when you’re on your own, which means not in front of other people’.”
How do you explain sensitive issues?
When your child asks you what ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’ means, you have to bring in your own value system – whether you believe that every person has the right to choose their sexuality for themselves, or whether you believe that it is wrong. Explain that being gay is when two men or two women love each other and live together or have a relationship like a man and a woman would.
We are all sexual creatures from birth and it is very important to help your child to speak openly about sex, as this will give your child the assurance to talk to you about anything. Look for teachable moments and take advantage of these times.
AIDS
“AIDS is an illness that can lead to a person dying. You can get AIDS either from having sex with a person who has AIDS or from getting infected by the blood of someone who is suffering from AIDS. It’s important to teach children not to touch the blood of another person. This does not mean that every other person has AIDS, but it is a safety rule. You can comfort your children by telling them that they cannot get AIDS from sitting on a toilet, through kissing somebody, or from a mosquito bite,” explains Van der Merwe.
Birth Control
How do you explain to your children what a condom is, or what birth-control pills are if they discover them in your bathroom? “First of all, children need to know what sex is and how a baby starts to grow in a woman’s tummy before you can tell them what a condom or birth-control pill is,” emphasises Van der Merwe.
“Explain to your child that when you don’t want a baby to start growing inside your uterus (or ‘special bag’), a woman can take these pills every day to stop it from happening.
“If children discover condoms at home or see them in the supermarket, you may be tempted to tell them that they’re ‘balloons’, but this is dangerous because you want to teach your children not to touch a condom should they see one lying around. Tell your child that a condom is used by a man to put over his penis when he and his partner do not want a baby to start growing in his partner’s tummy. If the child wants to know how that makes it stop, simply explain that the man’s sperm cannot swim out of his penis to the special egg in the woman’s uterus. So when the sperm cannot get to the egg, a baby cannot start to grow.”
A boy asks his mother: “Mom, where do I come from?” In reply, she proceeds to give him a very detailed explanation about how a man and a woman conceive a child. He looks more than a little surprised and says: “Oh, I thought I was from Cape Town.”
The moral of the story is: Keep it age-related!
Handy Resources:
- Easy Answers to Awkward Questions by Ilze van der Merwe and Nikki Bush (Metz Press, 2009)
- www.ivillage.com
Text by Hermione Hugo, Photographs by Jan Botha and Sally Chance, Taken from the December 2009 edition of Living and Loving
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