Words: Zukiswa Dlamini. Article from July 2015 issue of Bona Magazine.
In a world where sex is all around us, celibacy as an option is often forgotten. Zukiswa Dlamini explores the topic and why people choose to be celibate.
Celibacy isn’t the most popular c-word. Often, it’s used to encourage young people to stay chaste to protect them from some of the consequences of early sexual relationships. But what about in adulthood when you are in a relationship?
American actress Meagan Good and her husband DeVon Franklin were some of the few celebrity couples that were open about their choice to remain celibate until marriage.
Celibacy as a lifestyle choice is not something new, says Nomsa Khumalo, a relationship counsellor from Durban. “Many people chose celibacy for religious beliefs and others for personal reasons, including creating relationships that are not solely based on sex. Like most personal decisions, some people are celibate but don’t give it a label so they don’t think about it much,” she says.
Self-Discipline
Considering how sexualised the world has become, celibacy is almost taboo in adult relationships. “It’s always an assumption that adults in romantic relationships are sexually active. The opposite often rings alarm bells to people but, it’s not always the case,” says Nomsa. The choice to be celibate can be positive in many ways, not just for teenagers but for adults too. “Sometimes sex can cloud things in a relationship, especially in the early stages when it can be hard to tell the difference between lust and love,” advises Nomsa. The reasons go beyond trying to differentiate between lust and love, with some people feeling that celibacy protects them from STDs, unwanted pregnancies and is in line with the teachings of the Bible. “It is a form of self-discipline, and some people start the journey to prove to themselves that they aren’t ruled by their carnal desires. Also, the removal of sex from one’s life can be a way to free up their time to pursue other interests,” she says.
For 35-year-old Kedibone* (not real name), celibacy was a choice she made after a series of failed relationships. “I had been in three serious relationships in a row and all of them ended in heartbreak. I found that in the beginning, sex was an exciting part of the relationship but towards the end, it became the thing that caused rifts in the relationship,” says Kedibone. She notes that as relationships went on and the sex started being less frequent, she often felt unloved and not valued. “Because the great sex at the beginning of a relationship meant so much to me, I found that the opposite was true. When sex decreased, I felt I wasn’t as desirable or happy. So I decided to cut that out of my relationships so that they can be based on other qualities, not something as fickle as lust,” she adds.
Kedibone admits that it’s not easy to find men who are keen to be in a celibate relationship until marriage, but she doesn’t mind. “It eliminates a lot of the drama. The right man for me will respect my decision and right now, I am only interested in finding the right man, not just a man to fulfill my sexual needs,” she concludes.
Operation No Sex
There are times when celibacy becomes an issue, especially for those in relationships that did not start off as celibate. “It’s not unusual for people to want to be celibate in the course of their lifetime. Most people don’t call it celibacy, but some relationships go through phases where there is no sex,” says Nomsa.
The issue often comes when someone declares their celibacy, without much input from their partner. “You are well within your rights to want to be celibate, but it is something you have to discuss with your partner. Making such a decision without any communication with your partner is likely to cause major problems,” she warns.
We have discussed some of the perks of celibacy; there are some down sides. Nomsa warns people against using celibacy as a way of closing themselves off to intimacy. “Some people have had sexual traumas, which make them believe they are choosing celibacy when, in fact, they are running away from intimacy. This robs them of a part of the human experience and does nothing to heal the wounds of whatever the trauma was,” she explains.
If the reasons why you don’t want to have sex are fear-based, then Nomsa suggests you seek treatment. “There will likely be a psychological reason for your beliefs or ideals when they are based on fear. The reason I suggest therapy is because dealing with the issue head on will help you heal.”
In closing, while religion remains a popular reason some choose to be celibate, it is necessary that the decision be well thought out. “This is also the case for choosing to be sexually active. These are things that need to be decided on, not things that happen to you incidentally. Make sure YOU make the decision, not anyone else – not your man, not your mother, not your church. Your sex life is your decision,” states Nomsa in closing.
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