Text: Ruwaydah Harris. Article from the August 2014 Bona Magazine.
It may seem, unthinkable for a man to be slapped around by his girlfriend or wife… but it happens.
More than a third of women worldwide are victims of physical or sexual violence, according to a recent report by the World Health Organisation (WHO). As shocking as this statistic is, women are not the only victims of domestic abuse. In fact, more and more men are becoming victims of abuse at the hands of their female partners.
What is abuse?
“It can be physical, emotional or psychological,” says Teboho Monyamane, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Morningside, Johannesburg. She explains that abuse is any kind of behaviour where one partner has power over another, making that partner feel weak and helpless. “Abusive behaviour can include withholding affection, playing mind games, threatening to harm themselves, blaming the partner for the abuse, threatening to or actually taking the children away.
Why do some women become abusers?
A combination of factors is to blame, says Teboho. “In some instances, women turn to violence because of a communication failure with their partner. They feel they are not getting a proper response from their partner and they become frustrated. They don’t know how to handle the conflict situation and they resort to physical or verbal abuse,” Teboho explains. Generally people (men and women) become abusive because they feel inadequate in a relationship. Some women can’t handle not getting what they want and out of frustration they will yell or scream. When this doesn’t work, they will resort to treating the boyfriend or husband like a child, they’ll withhold physical intimacy and demean them, making them feel unworthy, attacking their dignity and manhood, says Teboho.
She adds that although we’re hearing more about the existence of abuse against men now, it is still embarrassing for most men to admit their women are abusing them. “There’s a sense of shame attached to admitting that ‘my wife or girlfriend is abusive’. It’s hard to say how many men are being abused, but we know that it is definitely happening more and more. The reason for this could be that traditional roles in relationships are shifting. Women are less traditional, they now occupy powerful positions at work and they often take this feeling of power and being in control, home with them.”
How are women who abuse different from men who abuse?
“The difference is in the execution of the abuse,” Teboho explains. “Although some abusive women may throw the odd glass at their man, they may not be as physically violent as male abusers. However, there are more similarities than differences,” Teboho says. She adds that some of the core elements male and female abusers share are manipulation and control.
Often, when you’re in a relationship with an abuser, when things are good, they’re really good. She will be absolutely amazing the one day, but she’ll turn into a manipulative control freak the next day and all of a sudden she’s wonderful again. This up and down roller coaster keeps you hooked on a situation that isn’t healthy. You end up finding excuses for her and you start believing that you are to blame because you bring the monster out in her.
But don’t fall into this trap, Teboho warns. She may have been hiding her abusive side very well in the past or she may not be aware that she is abusive. An abusive woman tends to attack her man’s masculinity, she’ll accuse him of not providing enough or she may be jealous of female co-workers.
There’s a sense of shame attached to admitting that ‘my wife or girlfriend is abusive’
Are you abusive?
“You may not think you’re abusive, when in fact, you are,” says Teboho. Here are some of the behaviours of abusive women:
- Hitting or throwing things at your partner.
- Becoming emotional by yelling and screaming. You may think you’re having an argument and expressing how you feel, but to your partner that’s abusive behaviour.
- Instilling fear in your partner by threatening to leave him, lying to him, withholding information, being controlling of, for example the finances and wanting to know where he is at all times.
- Threatening to take the children away, threatening to falsely accuse him of assault, playing mind games or stalking him, especially when the relationship has ended. Putting up pictures of you together on Facebook and calling his current girlfriend, is a sign of instability.
- Making him feel guilty and using something as a tool to control him or make him feel less than a man.
- Words really hurt. Sometimes in arguments you say things you don’t really mean, but those things hurt, they stick and your partner will always remember it.
How does being an abuser affect your relationships with others?
“Some people may always agree with everything you say, because they want to avoid conflict,” says Teboho. Others, however, may fight back because they see you as verbally pushy and wanting your way all the time. So, you’ll always clash with someone and you’ll end up asking what’s wrong with everyone else. You may not realise that the problem lies with you and you’re pushing people away with your abusive behaviour.
If you realise you’re an abuser, what can you do about it?
- Firstly, you have to admit that you have a problem and accept responsibility for your abusive behaviour.
- You may not know why you’re abusive and you may not be able to stop being abusive on your own. It may be best to get counselling to help you change your ways.
- People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA) not only provide counselling for abused women, they also provide therapy for abusive women via their 24-hour national hotline, seven days a week. Call 0800 150 150; this call is free from a Telkom landline.
- Or you could contact FAMSA’s national office on 011 975 7106/7 for help. Confidentiality is guaranteed.
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