Words: Georgina Guedes. Living and Loving Magazine July 2015.
Good manners aren’t taught in a day, but if you start from an early age your children will grow up to be polite and considerate.
Manners are the icing on the cake of child rearing. Instilling good manners in your child takes time and effort – an effort that can be so immense that many hurried and stressed parents give up, believing they’ll deal with it when their children are bigger and able to understand the concept better.
In reality, learning manners is a vital part of growing up from a very young age, and the process teaches children many more valuable lessons than merely saying ‘please’ when asking for a snack.
“If manners are taught at an early age, children will develop adequate interpersonal skills, allowing them to positively interact with their peers and the adults in their lives. This leads to the healthy development of social skills, an understanding of social norms and expectations, improved communication skills, and the ability to practise patience and self-control,” says Lisa Anderson, a Johannesburg-based educational psychologist in private practice.
She explains that social development is critical for children as most of their time is spent engaging in play with peers and their caregivers. “If children respect others, they will respect themselves and this will assist a child in developing a healthy self-concept.”
Modern manners
The ways in which we relate to each other have evolved. Stiff, old-fashioned manners have been replaced by expressions of genuine warmth and acknowledgement. But children, who are egocentric, struggle to see the world through other people’s eyes – and this means manners are a vital lesson that parents need to impart.
“I don’t believe in very strict, upper-crust, formal manners. This isn’t Downton Abbey,” says Ruth Ancer, a clinical and educational psychologist in private practice in Johannesburg.
“However, simple manners are courteous and respectful and show acknowledgement of the existence of others, which can be hard for children who are so self-centred.”
She adds that an important part of teaching manners is explaining the reasons behind them, for example that you are expressing gratitude for the effort that someone else has gone to, that you have heard them speaking to you, or even that you acknowledge their very existence.
Dealing with defiance
Given that parents are grappling with teaching their children to tie their own shoelaces, blow their noses and use the potty, teaching them the somewhat abstract notion of politeness can seem like a massive task. As parents discover, even with the best parental grounding, children will find a way to put on a display of the most shocking manners just when it matters most.
If this is the case, it’s very important to maintain all the boundaries of decent parenting while letting your child know that their outburst or action is unacceptable.
“Don’t badger a child and don’t turn bad behaviour into a war – especially not publicly,” says Ruth. “You can quietly explain that if the behaviour doesn’t improve, you will take his treats away. If you’re not winning, agree that you’ll talk about it later and apologise for your child without setting out to embarrass him. I used to say we were still working on the social skills.”
Social skills can be especially tricky for shy children, so it’s important to remember to acknowledge the acute awkwardness that your child is feeling while trying to help him overcome it.
“Naturally shy children will really struggle with this,” says Lisa. “It may be useful to develop multiple ways of demonstrating gratitude, not only verbal ones. A high-five can be useful, or a hug, or a smile – just until your child feels comfortable with verbal cues.” By continuing to reinforce verbal cues, the child will eventually get the idea.
Ruth points out that it’s important to teach children that physical affection is not something that can be demanded of them. If they’re not comfortable giving a hug in gratitude, they should never be pressured.
The adult’s role is to model the behaviour that they expect from their child. This must be quite overtly demonstrated with spouses and other family members, especially for the little ones.
Mind your manners
One of the best ways to teach children is by example. If you want them to acknowledge and speak politely to people, it’s very important that you do the same. This is especially important in this age of smart phones, where we’re inclined to stare at a screen rather than greeting a cashier or a waiter. Remember, the most important behavioural model for children is how their parents treat each other.
“The adult’s role is to model the behaviour that they expect from their child,” says Lisa. “This must be quite overtly demonstrated with spouses and other family members, especially for the little ones.”
This also applies to tone. Parents often recognise themselves in the unpleasant or superior voice that children may use with staff or servers. This is impolite in a child, but is actually not justified in an adult either, so some self-examination might be required to improve the situation.
However, it’s also important to remember that teaching children anything is a process and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it if your children don’t have perfect manners – as long as you keep trying.
Some tricks for teaching manners
Sometimes, teaching children manners requires a little more effort than just asking them to say the right thing.
Lisa Anderson and Ruth Ancer provide some tips for guiding your children on the path to politeness.
- Create role-playing situations at home where your child feels safe. They can even practice with their favourite dolls and teddies at pretend tea parties. You can also play games, Lego or puzzles with a focus on taking turns and practising saying please and thank you.
- Reaffirm good behaviour rather than only correcting the bad. It’s hugely important that you provide affirmation when they’re doing something right.
- Read stories to your child that reflect good manners. Banana by Ed Vere is a great early book about the importance of saying the ‘magic word’, while My Big Shouting Day by Rebecca Patterson addresses the value of saying sorry after bad behaviour.
- Remember that it’s vital to be patient and to persevere. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and a set of good manners certainly isn’t. It can take years before children are comfortable with their manners.
- Practise good manners in your home. Even if you and your partner have been living together for years, make a special effort to acknowledge each other and to express heartfelt gratitude. Do the same with everyone you know.
- Help your child with patient reminders and, if he struggles to follow your lead, ask him to try again next time.
- Remember that no matter how hard it is in the toddler years, you’re in for another round of hard work when they become teenagers. Lay good foundations now so the battle is half won by the time they turn 13.
- Brief your children that they must never comment on how people look in public. If they see something that they want to tell you or ask you, they must quietly inform you that they want to talk about something later.
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