Text: Amanda Ndlangisa. Photograph: Gallo/Getty Images. Article from the January 2012 issue of Bona Magazine.
From friends and family support to counselling, here are ways to overcome being single during your pregnancy.
Between morning sickness, hormonal imbalance, countless doctors appointments and preparing for the arrival of your newborn baby, pregnancy can be a stressful time. It can also be a beautiful and exciting experience to share with someone; however this may not be the case for many women who don’t have partners to go through the ups and downs of pregnancy with.
“We broke up while I was pregnant with twins”
Before the birth of her 11-year-old twins, Kungeka, 35, was living with her long-term boyfriend and on the pill – so news of her pregnancy came as a shock.
Recalling those years, she says her boyfriend was excited at first but became more and more unenthusiastic as the months went on. Sensing a lack of support, Kungeka moved back home.
“Moving back to my parents’ home was hell for me, as I felt the shame of coming back home after living with my boyfriend for so long. Getting my parents’ approval for everything was also an adjustment, but with the support from them and my best friends, I was fine.”
After the birth of her twins, her ex stopped calling and she was too busy taking care of them to chase after him. “When he stopped calling, I knew I had lost him. Two years later I heard news that he had passed away – that is when I realised I was alone and had to be strong for the twins. My mother and grandmother were both there for me throughout my pregnancy.”
From friends and family support to counselling, here are ways to overcome being single during your pregnancy.
Build support systems
Psychologist Dr Robyn Rosin says family and friends can provide priceless support to a woman experiencing pregnancy alone. Some fathers usually run because they are terrified of the thought of being a father, as it comes with responsibilities and sacrifices.
Fathers-to-be often have mixed feelings; wondering how exactly they will contribute to the wellbeing of the little person they helped to make. If the father of your baby has left, find support from those who love and care about you. If there’s no one around, ask a therapist, your mid-wife or gynaecologist to refer you to a support group.
If you are having a hard time coping or experience anxiety attacks, see a mental health professional. Also, if you notice that you’re losing your motivation, struggling to get out of bed, or if you lose your appetite and can’t sleep, seek counselling immediately as you might be falling into a deep depression.
Avoid the blame game
New World Clinic’s Malita Ramanotsi says most women who are pregnant and alone often blame themselves for falling pregnant, and they feel their pregnancy pushed their partner away. This may lead to them not wanting to have the baby; while a majority of the women give up the baby or suffer from post-natal depression.
Ramanotsi advises single mothers-to-be to open up to someone they can trust, such as a friend or parent. “Cry as much as you can while you’re pregnant, so that when the baby arrives you have less steam to let off,” she adds.
The brighter side of life
According to Dr Rosin, being ‘abandoned’ by your child’s father sometimes enhances your connection with your unborn baby, because you know you are the only parent your child has. You may feel rejected at first, but you still have the power to be the best parent you can be. Don’t forget to enjoy your pregnancy; you are bringing an innocent, new life into this world – a child who will fill your days with delight.
Women have natural maternal instincts, but fathers don’t necessarily experience this until after baby is born (when their protective urge kicks in). Dr Rosin says it’s important to give your unborn baby’s father an opportunity to voice his fears. Don’t shut him down; try to open up communication on both sides.
Tips to help you cope:
- Develop a good support system during your pregnancy. Ask your family and friends for help with your physical, emotional or financial needs.
- Share your fears and get advice from women who are or have been pregnant and alone, this will make you feel better and more hopeful about your situation.
- Get medical care for yourself and your unborn baby. Make sure you’re both healthy so you can both be happy.
- When attending childbirth class, take a good friend with you for support. You may want your friend in the hospital room when you go into labour. Childbirth classes range from about R130 for the first visit and R75 for every class thereafter. Ask your gynaecologist or mid-wife about childbirth class (medical aid does not cover these classes).
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