If there’s one topic that’s bound to cause an argument at a dinner party, it’s whether or not we ought to smack our children.
These days, views on how to discipline take into account that you have to be able to create a situation in which a parent corrects a child’s behaviour in ways that don’t erode the child’s self-esteem or his love for his parent.
For many parents though, smacking isn’t a conscious, thought-out solution to the problem of discipline, but rather what they resort to because they’re exhausted, frustrated or just desperate to get the child to listen.
Whatever the reason parents give for smacking, many feel guilty about it and know deep down that there are more productive and loving ways of coping with unwanted behaviour.
“What’s critical is that the child must know why he got a smack – because of what he did and not because he was a ‘bad’ child.”
Talking point
Miranda Jordan, director of Men & Woman Against Child Abuse, an NGO based in northern Johannesburg, says, “Today we understand that there are serious consequences of using physical violence against children and, thankfully, many professionals are not likely to ever condone smacking as a form of discipline.”
She adds that research has also shown that children who are smacked are more aggressive. “A big problem with smacking is that it teaches children that when you feel angry and frustrated, you hit the person who has made you feel that way. And conditioning a child to react this way will most likely make life very hard for him later on, when he really needs, but doesn’t have a repertoire of effective coping skills,” Miranda cautions.
The sad thing is that parents don’t always know what to do besides giving their child a smack. “The pressures of working and home life often take a toll on parents and we can’t always step back and breathe before we resort to smacking,” she explains.
“If we could take control and pause to think of another reaction, like taking away a toy or sending them to their room, disciplining our kids would have more beneficial, long-term effects,” she says.
“As an organisation, we definitely don’t advocate smacking in rage or anger, because this is modelling aggressive behaviour and could cross the line into abusive hitting.”
Educational psychologist Desiree Gaskin looks at the parent-child dynamic and builds that relationship, helping parents find alternatives to smacking. “And if the parents have smacked, I find out how they feel about it and usually they feel a bit guilty. Very often, parents take the stance that they won’t smack beyond a certain age, but it’s those years – from three to six – in which kids are so impressionable.
My feeling is that parents ought to step back and breathe before smacking their children. Research has shown that in the long run, there are mostly negative effects and not much learning taking place. Discipline really needs to be positive so that children can learn new behaviours.”
Smacking versus abuse
Joan van Niekerk, the national coordinator for Childline South Africa, comments that so much physical abuse of children starts out as an effort to discipline a child and goes too far. “In 2006, there were around 2 000 cases of physical abuse that occurred in exactly that way. There are, in fact, very few sadistic and coldly planned assaults on children,” she says.
Miranda also says that most parents know when they cross the line; when smacking turns into abuse. “We all know what is beyond reasonable when we discipline our kids. You know when you’ve hit your child harder than you should have or when you’ve shouted unnecessarily loudly at him. We must listen to this inner voice and not rely on organisations and the law to make sure we behave in the right way. The purpose of disciplining a child is not to make him more defiant or to alienate him; it’s to bring him back into a positive relationship with you, and by using methods that communicate positive messages to your child, you’re much more likely to achieve this.”
The other serious consequence of smacking a child, say the experts, is that a parent may become a threatening figure, damaging the loving, caring side of the relationship. “Smacking children often makes them fearful of the person who smacks them,” says Joan, “which could mean the child starts telling lies because he’s terrified of the consequences of telling the truth. These negative patterns of behaviour will affect future relationships and how children learn to cope with other challenges,” she adds.
“The other issue is that these children often don’t even know what they did wrong, which leaves them powerless to change their behaviour. Not being shown what’s acceptable or unacceptable will most likely only lead to more “misdeeds” and more punishment, and in this way, parents aren’t giving their child the opportunity to learn from mistakes. In a negative cycle like this, a child will probably find it difficult to trust adults and end up with low self-esteem,” explains Joan.
Another issue around smacking is that each child reacts differently to being smacked. “Some feel humiliated, while older kids may prefer it because it’s over quickly. Very often, however, a child reacts with either anger or withdrawal,” explains Miranda. “The problem is that a child who’s exposed to violence and physical abuse in the home is most likely not going to learn to work through conflict rationally and will probably assume the role of either abuser or victim in future relationships. This means that creating long-lasting, loving relationships will be very hard for him.”
The “right” way to smack
“If you do choose to smack as a form of discipline, then it must be given in a controlled and compassionate way and must be over quickly, so that parent and child can resume a positive relationship as quickly as possible. You don’t want the smack to result in defiance and anger in your child – a child can’t learn from his mistakes if he’s left with negative feelings towards the parent,” says Miranda. “A smack must be given in a calm, loving and rational manner. It must be done with the flat of the hand and must not leave a bruise or red mark. You can say, ‘I’m smacking you but I’m doing this for a good reason: because you did this or didn’t do that’. A smack must be balanced with an act of love. What’s critical is that the child must know why he got a smack – because of what he did and not because he was a ‘bad’ child. Don’t smack without warning or without explaining why you’re doing it.”
“A smack should never be a random event that happens whenever you’re tired or frustrated,” comments Miranda. “However, a more effective response to unwanted behaviour is to send your child to his room for a ‘time out’ to think about what he’s done, which also gives you time to breathe and think.”
How does smacking affect parents?
Experts say that when a parent smacks a child, it has negative consequences for the parent, too. “Most parents feel guilty when they smack their child,” says Joan, “and the act also distances them from their child. What I’ve seen is that many parents end up feeling as though they’ve failed as parents when they smack a child. This is disempowering and can lead to a horrible cycle of smacking because the parent feels he or she has no other way of exerting control over the child.”
Power to the parents
“As an organisation, we feel very strongly about empowering parents with alternative methods rather than punishing them, too,” says Miranda. “If parents feel that smacking is the only way they can deal with the situation at the time, then we need to teach them how to use it constructively.”
Joan says that responding to child abuse by prosecuting parents should be avoided unless absolutely necessary. “The whole process pits children against their parents, potentially destroying what should be a relationship of trust. It also instils fear, anger and resentment in parents towards potentially helpful resources such as social workers or psychologists and even towards the children themselves. We ought to be concerned with getting to the bottom of the problem.”
First prize for parents is to be able to discipline children without corporal punishment, say the experts. “Positive discipline is a very effective way to teach children new behaviour and instils in them values relating to a non-violent society. We need to build close, caring relationships between parents and children,” says Joan
Smacking is detrimental to your child
After extensive work done in Sweden, researchers found that corporal punishment had several negative consequences in children. Smacking has therefore been unlawful in Sweden since 1979. They found that smacking:
- decreased children’s moral internalisation
- increased aggression in childhood
- increased criminal and anti-social behaviour in childhood
- undermined a positive relationship between parent and child
- impaired mental health in childhood
- increased the likelihood that children will be victims of physical abuse
Compiled by Ruth Rehbock. This article was taken from the January 2011 issue of Living & Loving.
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