Tex: Amanda Ndlangisa. Pictures: Thinkstock Images. Article from the March 2013 issue of Bona Magazine.
Bona gives you a guide on how to talk to your teenager about relationships and sex.
Family therapist Dr Chris Muller says when your teen begins to show an interest in dating, you might get worried. Besides worrying, there should be some serious thought about how you would like to see this dating thing work out. After you’re done thinking, take a deep breath and talk to your teen about dating and sex.
Here’s how:
Be open and honest when you talk to your teen about relationships. Find a comfortable place to talk in either inside or outside the home.- Discuss the responsibility of dating with your teen. Dating involves another person who your teen will need to treat with respect. Share your values so your child develops good values too.
- Make it very clear, through words and actions, that you will always be there for him/her should they have any questions or if he/she needs someone to talk to. Dating can be rough. Although your teen will need to make their own choices, you’ll want them to ask for your advice.
- Tell your son/daughter that dating is meant to be fun. If your teen ever feels threatened, verbally put down or is physically harmed, they should come to you or another trusted adult right away.
- Explain to your child that building a relationship takes time. They should start by getting to know the other person, their likes and dislikes, habits, as well as strengths and weaknesses and most importantly, he/she should take the time to find out what the other person expects from a relationship.
- Share your stories with your child. Tell them about the mistakes you made, break ups you went through and the lessons you learned. This will make your teen open up too.
- Give your child a chance to come to you at any time to ask questions or to share his/her thoughts and opinions.
Breaking up
When a relationship breaks up, your teen may feel hurt; especially if it’s the first time his/her heart has been broken. Don’t take your teen’s pain too lightly. It may be crushing to them. Your role is to be available and supportive to your child. Make his/her favourite dinner or make time to spend with her/him. S/he needs to know that s/he’s still lovable.
Important: Remember that your teen is learning about relationships by watching you in your relationships. The more you work on your own and use your own advice, the better your teen will ‘hear’ you when you talk to him/her about dating.
Talking To Your Teen about sex and contraceptives
Many teens are becoming sexually active sooner rather than later, often without their parents knowing. The wisest thing a parent can do is give him/her knowledge about making the right decisions, avoiding peer pressure and protecting him/herself from pregnancy and STIs. Here are some tips on talking about contraception:
- Educate yourself about the details of contraception and STIs. Learn about contraception, including emergency contraception, and condoms. Learn how contraceptives work, the cost of different methods, side effects, pros and cons of each method, and where your child can go for information and services.
- Talk about using condoms and hormonal methods of birth control. Using two methods at the same time allows young men and women to share the responsibility to be safe and healthy. Condoms are highly effective at preventing HIV and also lower the risk for other STIs.
- If you find condoms or birth control in your teen’s room or pockets, take a deep breath and remember that this is evidence of your teen being responsible.
- Explain the different types of sexual intercourse. Teens aren’t sure what “having sex” means. They often don’t realise that oral sex and anal sex actually are sexual intercourse and that each involves high risk for STIs.
- Make sure that your teen has at least one other adult to whom she/ he can go for help. Give your teen permission to confide in someone else – a person the teen can trust for guidance and support. This could be another adult, a relative, ministry person, teacher, counsellor or a health provider. Just make sure that you and your teen both know who the other adult is, rather than just assuming that your teen has “someone” to whom he/she can go.
- Encourage your teen to take equal responsibility with a partner for using condoms and birth control. Just as a male should not be the only one responsible for providing condoms, a female should not be the only one responsible for providing other forms of contraception. Protection is a mutual responsibility within a caring relationship.
- Respect your child’s right to confidential sexual and reproductive health services. Share with your teen what to expect at his/her first visit for sexual health services. Then, make sure that your teen has private sessions with the health care provider. Private sessions allow teens to discuss issues honestly with the provider and to go for care when they need it.
Birth Control Options
Condoms: The condom provides the best protection from STIs.
Birth Control Pills: Prevents pregnancy. It’s advised that you take the pill at the same time every day. When taken correctly, it’s up to 99.9% effective.
Virginal Ring: A birth control method for women. It’s a small, flexible contraceptive ring. The ring contains the same hormones as many birth control pills. It is inserted into the vagina, where it is left for three weeks. Then the ring is removed for one week. This is the week you’ll have your period.
Patch: A tiny skin patch with the same hormones as many birth control pills. Women can wear this patch on the buttocks, stomach, upper body (except for the breasts), or the outer part of your upper arm. The patch is worn for one week and then replaced on the same day of the week for three ongoing weeks. The fourth week is a “patch-free week”. This is when you should have your period.
Contraceptive Injections: Provides protection against pregnancy for two or three months. Menstruation stops for over half of women. Effectiveness: 97% to 99% if used regularly (you must get the shot every two or three months).
Spermicides: Available over-the-counter, you must insert right before intercourse. Effectiveness: 71% to 85% if used regularly and correctly.
Loop: A tiny, soft device, which is inserted into the opening of the womb by a trained doctor or nurse. The loop prevents pregnancy by the way that the sperm or egg moves. It holds back the sperm and makes it difficult for the egg to travel along the fallopian tubes. It can stay in place for between five and 10 years, and can be removed at any time.
Emergency contraceptive: Also known as the morning after pill. This pill can be used if your usual method of contraception has failed, or if you’ve had unprotected sex. They must be taken within three days (72 hours) of unprotected sex. Doctors advise that you only take the pill twice a year.
Where to get contraceptives?
Barrier methods such as condoms and spermicides are widely available from pharmacies, over the counter. Hormonal methods are only available on prescription from doctors. Please remember: Except for the condom, these contraceptive methods do not protect against sexually transmitted diseases.
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