Text: Ilze Van Der Merwe-Alberts. Photography: Gallo Images/Getty Images.
Source: This article is taken from the August 2011 issue of Living and Loving.
Sometimes we need to fail in order to succeed. Educational psychogist, llze van de Merwe-Alberts, explains why failure can be healthy, and how to help our children get through trying times.
If I had a magic wand I’d probably have used it hundreds of times to safeguard my children from failure and disappointment. I’d be their own personal fairy godmother, and make all bad and difficult things in their lives vanish.
But in doing so, I’d be withholding important life lessons from them.
I know most parents feel the same way I do, and wish they could protect their children from failure and disappointment. But, seeing that we had to go through these experiences ourselves, the concept of wrapping our children up in a protective ball of cotton wool is quite unrealistic.
I hope my children have the courage to go through life without faltering with despair in the face of hopeless odds, and to have the strength and stamina to achieve whatever they set their minds to do. I often take refuge in a quote from Peter Marshall: “When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.”
Failure is experienced when you feel that what you thought you’d achieve, wasn’t achieved. You become disappointed when your expectations aren’t met. Both of these emotions are painful, and most people do their best to avoid disappointment and failure. Yet these very painful emotions and experiences are the building blocks and cement in forming resiliency and emotional intelligence. Remember, there are drawbacks to success.
Human behaviour specialist, Dr John Demartini says: “If you’re successful, you’re on your way down, if you fail, you’re on your way up.” When you feel successful, there’s a danger of becoming cocky, arrogant and self-righteous. You could lose focus, become less motivated and reach your self-made ceiling. Sometimes, feeling like you’re a failure and the accompanying feeling of disappointment helps you to stay humble and centred. You become motivated, start working harder and learn not to give up so easily. When you’re successful, you stop growing emotionally, but when you fail, you kick start your emotional growth. Humans need challenge to grow and become more resilient and empowered.
Dealing with failure
A father recently asked me how to handle his nine-year-old son who complained about life being unfair every time things didn’t go his way. The father said that his son would burst into tears whenever he felt disappointed. I explained that these moments are opportune times to teach his son valuable life lessons. I encouraged him to explain to his son that things won’t always go his way.
Life isn’t about being unfair or difficult; it’s about choosing how to react when you don’t get your way. You can choose to look at situations differently and adapt to your circumstances, and in so doing, you may experience something you’d never even considered before. In dealing with disappointment in this positive way, you become strong and courageous.
Use the situations your children experience as opportunities to teach them life skills. One mother and father battled to handle their two competitive, sporty children. Their son was chosen for the A-team for cricket, but his sister was chosen for the C-team for swimming. She was devastated, and felt as though she wasn’t good enough. The parents used this situation to teach their children about success and failure, and being grateful for their opportunities.
Most children think it’s better to be in the A-team than the C-team, but the A-team boy has to work extra hard to keep his place in the team, whereas his sister can improve her swimming skills in a less competitive and much more relaxed environment.
Parents should encourage their children to have realistic expectations. It’s more important for your children to enjoy the activities they take part in than it is for them to succeed in activities they don’t enjoy.
Bouncing back
Sometimes, children need their parents to be there for them when the challenges they face become too much for them to deal with. Sometimes we need to step in and help them deal with the “monsters” in their lives. For example, if your child is being bullied, there’s a lot you can do to assist him to empower himself and learn how to stand up to the bully.
If the bullying is outside your child’s own ability to deal with, it’s time to step in and help him. Your first step would be to teach him how to stand up for himself and handle the bully. If your child continues to be overpowered, and feels like a failure in handling the bully, it’s time for Mom or Dad to step in and do what’s necessary to help. Teach your child the skills and techniques to deal with his challenges, but step in when the challenge is too overwhelming for him.
Parents can be an example to their children on how to deal with the realities of failure and disappointment. Children watch what we do and how we react to frustration, and they’ll follow our example. Be careful to avoid becoming stuck in “victim mode” and feeling sorry for yourself; teach your children resiliency by being resilient yourself. Parents sometimes tend to live vicariously through their children, and the failures of the children can all too often become the failures and disappointments of the parents. This becomes a “double whammy” for a child, who then has to deal with his own and his parent’s emotions.
Remember that your child is his own person and he has his own life lessons to learn. Your child won’t learn his lessons through you. He has his own journey to experience, and failure and disappointment are his life lessons. He’s in the school of life, and is learning to deal with disappointment and feelings of inadequacy, while gaining courage and resiliency.
These experiences, however painful, will strengthen and equip him to deal with the failures and disappointments that will inevitably follow. An additional benefit is that the next success and moment of achievement he experiences will be so much sweeter! Help your child gain the skills he needs to deal with failure and disappointment without imposing on the life lessons these experiences provide.
Parenting is a process of learning from and teaching our children equally, just as our children learn from and teach us. American evangelist, Dwight L. Moody, says: “Character is what you are in the dark”. I believe this refers to the building of character that takes place during life’s darker moments, so that we can shine brightly in the light of our personality.
I want my children to shine in their own unique brilliance, and if failure and disappointment are some of the building blocks needed to achieve this, then I choose to react differently to their – and my own – failures and disappointments.
Daily role-modelling tips:
- Your own reactions to disappointment and failure will set an example for your children.
- Don’t play the victim and feel sorry for yourself.
- React positively as you can to the circumstances you find yourself in. If it’s raining, don’t complain; rather talk about the positive effects of rain.
- Show your children that their failures won’t affect your love for them; you’ll love them no matter what.
- Let your children hear you talk about your personal failures and how they’ve ended up benefitting you.
- Learn to see the positive side of every negative situation.
- Practise what you preach and don’t expect your child to do what you can’t.
- Stop complaining and moaning, and take responsibility for your actions.
- Don’t allow your failures and disappointments to control you.
When to step in
Watch out for the following warning signs in your child’s behaviour:
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