Most kids get teased by friends some time in their lives, but if that teasing turns into bullying? We offer some valuable tips on how to help your child overcome traumatising problem.
Not too long ago my daughter came home sobbing; I could sense that there must be something terribly wrong. Not normally being a child who opens up easily, she fell into my arms, telling me a horrific story of what really happens to her at school. She was being bullied out of her lunch box, her pocket money and even her toys.
It turned out that she was threatened by older, ‘popular’ kids. That night she cried herself to sleep, and told me that she even played sick sometimes just to avoid these bullies. I thought my case was isolated, but I was far from right.
Megan Riley*, mom to 12-year-old Sandra*, only wanted the best for her little girl by placing her in a ‘top’ school. What actually happened to her daughter was horrific. Innocent little Sandra went through so much turmoil that she had to receive psychological counselling. “One child started a rumour that Sandra came from a dysfunctional background. The children would pick on her and never allow her to participate in group activities. As if that was not enough, these kids created stories about how I was a ‘drug addict’ and that her dad was actually gay.
Each parent should be aware of what is happening, and what bullying is actually about.
It went as far as kids sitting around our neighbourhood, watching every move we made. It really was terrible; and if you ask me, I think those kids were and are still troubled themselves.
I had a parent knocking on my door one day and shouting at me about how bad we were at raising our kids. In fact, my children are fine and as far as family dynamics go, we are doing great,” says Megan.
Drastic measures had to be taken and Sandra’s parents decided to move her to another school. After months of therapy, Sandra is a happy child with lots of new friends, but one can’t help think how the bullies’ actions could possibly affect her later in life.
For any parent, it is very upsetting to see their kids get hurt, both physically and emotionally. If your child is the victim of bullying, there are many things you can do to help him cope; but first of all, a parent should be aware of what is happening and what bullying is all about.
Understanding the make-up of a Bully
A typical bully is someone who intentionally torments another person physically and verbally and, most importantly, psychologically. Bullies’ behaviour can range from making threats, name-calling and shoving to hitting and demanding to take others’ possessions.
A bully actually has no respect for himself or other people. He thrives on seeing other people getting hurt and loves to see other kids crying or giving in to his demands. A bully can go as far as to discredit his victim’s parents, family and friends – making up rumours about them – thus, leaving the victim looking and feeling even worse.
Signs of Bullying
It can sometimes be difficult to tell whether your child is being bullied. Some kids may be reluctant to talk about the topic, fearing that they may have failed their parents.
With no physical injuries and if your child doesn’t speak out about being bullied, parents have to be on the lookout for other indications. These warning signs may include your child suddenly reacting differently to certain situations, not sleeping well or sleeping excessively, not having an appetite and not enjoying the activities she normally likes to do.
She may seem anxious most of the time and may also avoid certain interactions with other kids (for example, not participating in team activities which she normally enjoys).
You should start worrying if your child starts bedwetting too. It is normal for kids to go through different phases, but if you sense a sudden change in your child’s behaviour, it may be time to investigate the underlying problem.
Why do kids Bully?
Sometimes bullies pick out victims who they see as emotionally or physically stronger than them. They want to feel more important, more noticed and in control. Although you may think that bullies are always bigger and stronger than their victims, this is not always the case. It happens that children torment others because that is the way they have been treated before. They may think that their behaviour is normal to society because they come from families where shouting, fighting and name calling are the order of the day.
Unfortunately, some TV programmes promote these actions – characters are ridiculed, laughed at, shunned and teased. Kids see this and may form the perception that this behaviour is harmless, and not realise the effect it can have on another human being.
Another reason why some children are bullied is because they don’t fit the ‘criteria’ of the bully, meaning that they may look, speak and dress differently to their peers.
Helping your child to cope with a Bully
If you suspect that your child may be the victim of a bully, it is important to find opportunities to talk about it. Sensitive children often don’t know how to stop the bullying from happening, which is why it is crucial for you to tell your child that it is not her fault and support her in every way possible.
Sit down with your child and try to get her to open up. For example, if you are watching a TV programme and you see a situation where a character is being wronged or victimised, ask your child about it. Ask her if something similar has ever happened to her or if she has ever seen anything like that happen to other kids and it upset them. (Bullying is very prevalent and it is estimated that between 60% and 90% of all children are being bullied in different ways at one time or another).
Communication between parent and child is of the utmost importance. Many children fear that if they tell their parents about the bullying, the situation will get worse. The reality is that parents must take action. If your child is in a playgroup or school, talk to the teacher and ask her to keep an eye out for her.
Many parents make the mistake of telling their kids to fight and bully in return… This is definitely not the way to deal with the problem…
Other than that, you can try to speak to the bully’s parents in a civilised manner. Some parents will acknowledge the fact that their child has a problem; others will deny it strongly, even displaying aggression.
Depending on how the bully’s parents react, you can decide what actions should be taken next. The important thing is to remain calm about the situation.
Many parents make the mistake of telling their kids to fight and bully in return. This is definitely not the way to deal with the problem, as bullying can easily escalate into violence and someone may get hurt. Rather tell your child that it is best to walk away from the situation and advise her to do the following:
- Avoid situations where you can be bullied and make sure that you have other friends with you so that you are not alone with a bully.
- It is normal to get angry or scared when you are bullied, but try not to show these feelings – keep a ‘poker face’, showing no emotion at all – or react to the bully’s actions.
- Tell the bully to stop whatever he is doing and then ignore any further provocation from him. He will eventually get bored because he is not getting his desired reaction from you.
- Always tell an adult or older sibling about what is happening.
Some kids may think it is funny and harmless to tease or torment others but in reality, bullying can harm your child for the rest of her life. A bully can make another child’s life a nightmare. In fact, it leaves deep emotional scars for both the victim and the bully.
Bullies are likely to get into trouble and become criminals later in life whereas, on the other hand, the victim can suffer from anxiety, depression and even consider suicide because of the loss of self-esteem.
Evan if your child has not been affacted by bullying, it is very important to address the topic and speak to her about it so that she can be prepared, should it happen to her.
* Names have been changed to protect identities.
According to a study published by Loredana Brondani, EthnoPsychology practitioner, certified hypnotherapist, adult- and child counsellor, statistics on bullying reveal the following:
- 10% of children were bullied for more than a year.
- 16% were bullied every day.
- 5% were bullied two to three times a week.
In a survey done of young people:
- 9% said they have had suicidal thoughts.
- 12% admitted to inflicting self-harm.
- 5% said that being bullied made them feel like they wanted to actually did – run away from home.
- 1% confessed to taking drugs to forget their problems.
- 2% admitted to drinking alcohol in order to feel better.
(Source: Beatbullying’s policy and Reasearch team, 2007)
Text by Hermione Hugo. Photographs by SHUTTERSTOCK IMAGES and COLOURBOX. This article was taken from the May 2010 edition of Living and Loving.
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