Text: Tanya Kovarsky. Photography: Monika Tusinska. Hair and make-up: Melissa van Zyl.
Source: This article is taken from the September 2011 Living and Loving Magazine.
Born from donor eggs and a surrogate mom, twins Khloe and Luke are the miracles their dads waited so long for. Craig Port and Bryan Hellmann speak about their journey to fatherhood. By Tanya Kovarsky
Take two men with a great longing to be dads; add the brilliant science of fertility treatment and a selfless surrogate, and you have a family. Designer Craig Port and clinical psychologist Bryan Hellmann speak about their journey with twins Khloe and Luke, and their thoughts on family, fertility treatment and kiddies’ fashion.
Tell us about your experience of “making a baby”.
B: For Craig and I, the process of “making a baby” was an extremely blessed and exciting one. We had no fertility issues – the process worked for us on our third try, which is amazing! Craig and I are very aware of how fortunate we were to have had a successful fertilisation and healthy pregnancy as quickly as we did.
The agency we used, Nurture, was wonderful. Kim Lazarus, who organised the entire process for us, was a dream to work with. She advised us with the utmost sincerity, foresight, knowledge, care and love. Through her excellent dedication to her work, we were able to choose an egg donor relatively easily; Kim assisted us in narrowing down the list.
We finally chose an egg donor whose characteristics best matched our own. In hindsight, we made an excellent choice. Kim, who also became like an angel for Craig and I, perfectly selected our surrogate, who carried our babies to two days short of full-term, which is quite incredible for twins. And she looked after herself and the twins in the most fantastic way.
Staff at the Cape Town Fertility Clinic went out of their way to assist us through the whole process. Their guidance and support have been invaluable to us.
Describe the birth.
C: We were present at the birth, which was a Caesarean. It was the first surrogate and same-sex-parent birth at that hospital. I cut Luke’s cord and Bryan cut Khloe’s. It was incredible – the staff were so helpful, and it felt as though this sort of birth happened there every day. We had our own room with our own babies, and were the only partner dads in the nursery – the staff were helpful and treated it as though it were the norm.
Would you do this again to have more children?
C: If the time was right, and the opportunity presented itself, then yes. We had such a good experience that we’d definitely consider doing it again.
Tell us about the support system you have.
C: Our family is wonderful and we have a great support system. My mother helps with the twins every day from 9am to 2pm, and my brother and sister live close by. We’ve realised that with twins, you can never be on your own with them, which is why I’m grateful to have my family close by. There’s always someone nearby to help us, either during the day or at night.
Are you both hands-on parents?
C: Absolutely! With twins, we need to be!
What were the first few weeks like with newborn twins?
B: During the first few weeks, we were absolutely euphoric and felt as though we were on a complete high. The energy and excitement was incredible. I felt as though I’d been transported to a whole new universe – one with two children in it!
“Craig and I really united at this time and worked extremely well together to share the responsibilities we faced, and to focus on what we both felt we were good at.”
Although it felt new, from the moment Luke and Khloe were born, it was as if they’d always been a part of our lives.
Craig and I really united at this time and worked extremely well together to share the responsibilities we faced, and to focus on what we both felt we were good at. In the beginning, I became the professional bath giver and Craig was truly wonderful with feeding.
Our roles have shifted slightly, but the sheer delight we felt then has only increased. Needless to say, we share the joy of feeding and bathing now – these are the most important bonding moments parents have with their newborn children.
How do you and Craig differ as fathers, and how are you alike?
B: Craig and I love Luke and Khloe with all our heart and soul; this is the bond we share that defines our relationship as parents. Through our immeasurable love for the twins, we’re able to express our role as fathers in the many different ways that it has evolved and taken shape, but we still remain united in our goal to raise Luke and Khloe in the best way we can. We differ in that I’m less worried about the world around me and its influence on the twins’ lives. Craig is much more aware of the influence the environment has on the twins, so he worries more than I do.
We have different ways of doing things with the twins, but we always have open communication on all the choices we make. We’ve had to learn how to listen to each other on a different level, one which involves making the decisions about raising our children that will impact on them and on us for the rest of our lives.
In our differences as parents, we’ve also found common ground through many, many discussions and cups of coffee!
What advice do you have for people wanting to become parents via egg donation/surrogacy?
B: Make sure you’re ready for the journey; it’s not like any other you’ve been on before. It’s amazing, but also very heart-wrenching at times, and you need nerves of steel. Essentially, you’re relying on someone else to carry your child and create your future. This does require a certain ability to let go and let God take over. It also necessitates you being able to trust in other people completely and in a whole new way.
Make sure you use a registered agency and get all the legal requirements meticulously taken care of. Don’t take any short cuts or unnecessary risks, and don’t rush into anything! Make the best choices that you can; not the quickest and easiest ones. The more you put into the process, the happier you and your future child will be.
What are your hopes and dreams for your children?
B: My dream for Luke and Khloe is for them to be good people who love and respect God, themselves and the world around them, including all the people and creatures in it and their family and friends, in a way that’s fulfilling and rewarding in every sense and in all possible ways. If Luke and Khloe grow up to love who they are and have the ability to love others and respect and value God and their heritage, I’ll feel satisfied that Craig and I have done our job as parents.
What have been your proudest, happiest and scariest moments as a dad?
B: My proudest moments started from the minute the twins were born, and when my and Craig’s dream of becoming parents became reality. I experience this feeling of being blessed every day. It’s ongoing and just gets stronger with each moment that passes. Each time I see the expression on people’s faces when they meet the twins (an expression of complete awe), I feel intense fulfilment. Seeing the look of absolute love and joy in my parents’ faces each time they visit us, fills me with an immeasurable sense of pride and happiness.
As a clothing designer, do you dress your kids up?
C: Surprisingly not (laughs)! I’m not crazy about fussy baby clothes, so I keep it simple. I tend to dress them in babygros.
Being a fashion designer, I look for detail, and I realise that it’s more difficult to design for babies than for adults. A lot of cute clothing is poorly executed, and not ideal for movement.
Will you dress the twins the same?
C: I won’t, but I do like to coordinate their outfits so that they “match”, for example, in colours and shapes. I just can’t seem to escape matching [laughs]!
What are your favourite gadgets?
C: The Tiny Love mobile, which is especially great for when we’re changing the twins’ nappies. And the nappy bin – it’s like a chute, so you just pop the nappies in!
What are the major differences in the twins?
C: Luke wakes up with a smile, and Khloe wakes up with a scream. That’s their way of communicating, and it’s bizarre that twins can communicate and react so differently, and have different temperaments! Luke’s also a kilogram heavier than Khloe now – at birth he was 3.4kg, and she was 3kg.
What do you wish you’d known before becoming a dad?
C: I wish I’d known the extent of how incredible fatherhood is. People and books put fear into you, so you think “How am I going to do this?” It’s an unnecessary neurosis – raising kids is not rocket science; it’s about nurturing. Something kicks in and you realise you have to provide for your child. You get it done because you know you need to look after them. You’ve got to be in the moment of parenting – in that particular week or stage. It’s like the philosophy of being in the now, and it applies to parenting as well.
What will you tell the twins when they ask about their birth, and would you let them meet the surrogate mom?
C: We’ll be completely honest with the twins. We don’t want to hide anything from them, and it will be a happy experience to share. We want to send the message that it’s okay to share our story. The worst thing you can do is to keep a secret from a child when they’re old enough to ask or know. If they want to meet the surrogate mom one day, I’d encourage them to.
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