Just as adults get anxious about things, so too do children. If your child seems unhappy or is battling to cope with the everyday, then read on for ways to help.
When Kate’s daughter Sophie, 7, started sleeping badly at night, she thought it was just a phase. The child’s anxiety worsened, and she began to cry in her sleep, then wake and beg to be allowed into her parents’ bed.
‘It went on for weeks. When I asked her what she’d been dreaming about, she’d tell me she couldn’t remember,’ recalls Kate. When Sophie then began pulling out her hair, Kate was horrified. ‘She’d pull it out, strand by strand, while she was watching TV or reading a book. I knew we had to get her some help. I’d tried talking to her, but she seemed incapable of giving me answers.’
After Sophie had seen an excellent child psychologist a few times, Kate got feedback she never expected: Sophie was being bullied by her older sister, then 10. To compound the child’s fears, she had also recently started a new school, and she was having trouble adapting, as she believed that her new teacher didn’t like her.
According to Johannesburg-based clinical social worker and child therapist Orli Zaacks, nowadays there’s an immense amount of pressure on children from a very young age. ‘Children and their parents are stretched to the limits, but the parents also need to realise that in situations where kids are overly anxious, outsourcing the problem to an au pair or nanny isn’t ideal. It’s vital to stay emotionally involved, and to get professional help, if the problem is affecting your child’s happiness.’
She was having trouble adapting, as she believed that her new teacher didn’t like her
Particularly at this time of the year, says Zaacks, many children are forced to deal with change because they start new schools, or they have to go to school for the first time. ‘It’s a very difficult time for parents and children, and it’s important to be sensitive about the issue. Change is hard, and young children don’t have the vocabulary to talk about their feelings. In many cases, they don’t really even know or understand that they’re anxious. This is also relevant in the case of a parental divorce, or a death in the family, for example.’
According to Zaacks, when kids can’t or won’t talk to you about what’s bothering them, there are a number of warning signals that parents should look out for, as they could indicate that your child’s struggling to cope:
- Any radical change in behaviour
- Bedwetting
- Tantrums and angry outbursts
- Uncommunicative or withdrawn
- Sleeps badly, grinds teeth or has nightmares
- Pulls out hair
- Phobias
- Headaches, nausea, stomach aches, difficulty breathing
What Parents can do to Help
1. Talk, Talk and then Talk some more…
Katharina Manassis, the author of Keys to Parenting Your Anxious Child, stresses the importance of communication. ‘Words often take some of the power out of emotion; if you can give the fear a name it becomes more manageable. As with any negative feeling, the more you talk about it, the more it becomes less powerful.’
2. Have clearly stated expectations
Help your child break down huge tasks into smaller, more manageable ones. For example, agree to go to the new school with them and stay, as long as they’re interacting with other children. The next time, agree to stay for the first half an hour. You can also role-play possible ways for your child to handle difficult situations. By encouraging your child’s independence, you’ll build confidence. You’ll also be teaching them how to deal with their own feelings.
3. Familiarise a potentially threatening situation
Visit your child’s new school with them a few times in an informal situation, if possible. A social visit to see the unfamiliar playground or to greet the new teacher could alleviate a lot of stress. The same applies when visiting a dentist’s office. If you introduce your young child to the dentist through your own visits, they’ll be less intimidated. Discourage other children or adults from making negative, scary comments that could plant a seed of fear.
4. Don’t trivialise fears
The fear is very real. Saying, ‘don’t be ridiculous, there’s no vampire under the bed,’ isn’t going to help.
Help your child break down huge tasks into smaller, more manageable ones
Giving your child a ‘monster-banishing’ charm (for example, a special brooch loaded with mom’s ‘kiss power’ to pin to their pyjamas), often soothes fears in young children who might be afraid of the dark. If your preschooler seems prone to fears linked to scary media images or violent fantasy characters, banish them from his environment.
5. Allow space for negative feelings
Children need the space to feel ambivalent about difficult issues and negative feelings, says educational psychologist Sheryl Cohen. ‘You don’t love school all the time, just as you don’t love your baby sister all the time. And that’s okay.’
6. Don’t pass on your fears
If your child sees you overreact and panic when there’s thunder and lightning, for example, the message gets passed to your child that the situation warrants fear.
7. Work together as parents
It’s important that you and your partner present a united front, rather than allowing a stressful parenting situation to cause friction in your relationship that could make your child’s anxiety worse.
Feature by Pamela Kimberg. Photos from Great Stock/Masterfile. Taken from the February 2010 edition of Your Family.
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