Words: Zukiswa Dlamini. Article from April 2015 issue of Bona Magazine.
When you think of parenthood, the last thing you anticipate is raising a criminal, but this is a painful reality for many.
According to the South African Police Service, there were 11 221 carjackings, 19 284 house robberies and 17 068 murders in 2013/2014. It’s clear from these statistics that crime is a problem. Even though no one speaks about it, the people who commit these crimes are somebody’s children.
“Most parents with children who are criminals often carry deep shame, embarrassment and guilt over how their children have turned out. So it’s no surprise that this isn’t a topic that people are all too happy to discuss,” says Simone Kruger, a retired psychologist who used to work with criminals and reformed offenders. What is a parent supposed to do when their children turn to a life of crime?
Accountability
As parents, you have a huge influence on your children and the choices they make. While this should be a reassuring fact, it doesn’t always guarantee that your kids will grow up to be who you want them to be. “Parents do play a big part in their children’s lives. Often, kids who are criminals don’t fear or respect their parents. This can be a sign of a breakdown in authority at a young age,” says Simone. “Parents often say they wish they could have done something to stop their child from being a criminal, but the truth is that they often condone bad behaviour and then get surprised when it develops into criminal activity.” Simone adds that it’s always up to the parent to set the rules of their household, and when they become too laid back about rules and discipline, they invite criminal activities into their home. Few offenders start off with huge crimes, explains Simone. “When your 10-year-old son or daughter comes home with toys that don’t belong to them, it’s your job to interrogate them and rectify the situation. The same goes for your child roaming the streets with no curfew. These seemingly small things lead to kids knowing that there are no boundaries with you,” she warns. If your child is already into major crimes, it’s your responsibility as a parent to discourage it aggressively.
Tough Love
While no parent wants to call the police on their kids, it’s something that can save your child. “I have worked with people who left a life of crime because they had no hiding place. Their parents would either call the cops on them or kick them out of the house. Allowing stolen goods, money from stolen goods or anything remotely criminal into your home because you love your child is condoning crime. You as the parent then become part of the problem, and in some cases, you can even get yourself arrested for it,” Simone says firmly.
Part of tough love means pulling away from your child, even though it’s not your instinct to. Continuing to be a supportive and loving parent to someone who is committing crimes does very little to discourage them. “Being a parent doesn’t mean accepting all kinds of unacceptable behaviour. I advise kicking out criminal children and not giving them the attention and love they crave. It’s important that you make them understand that you love them, but won’t accept their choices. Crime isn’t a lifestyle choice based on preference; it’s one that is damaging to everyone who comes across it.”
Public Humiliation
Parents are often quick to share news of their kids’ successes, and the opposite is obviously true for their children’s bad decisions. But allowing the shame of your child’s criminal decisions is a huge price to pay. “It is very difficult for parents to deal with major disappointments from their kids, especially when it is something as big as being a criminal. I’ve typically seen three reactions; parents who live in shame and are held hostage by their children’s decisions, parents who defend their kids at all costs no matter how wrong or dangerous they’ve become, and parents who free themselves from their child,” Simone explains.
Parents very often feel responsible or that they have failed in someway – which is why their child is a criminal. “Good parenting doesn’t guarantee good children and sometimes as parents we do fail, but you can’t keep failing. If you made bad decisions for your child in the past, rectify that by making the right decisions in the present. Don’t allow yourself to be blackmailed with guilt. Every adult chooses the life they want to lead and you are not in charge of your grown child’s decisions. If your child is still a minor, solve the problem by putting measures in place that he or she will not end up in prison in a few years.”
Ongoing Parenthood
Like most problematic children, criminals generally get the most attention at home. Simone warns parents about this. “Your other children need your attention too. Attention is a reward and by giving it to a criminal, you’re rewarding bad behaviour. The family needs to go on as normal as possible so the criminal will know that life in your home goes on without them. If your child has no desire to change their ways after your intervention, I suggest cutting ties so that the rest of your family doesn’t have to endure the painful life of crime,” concludes Simone.
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