Text: Amanda Ndlangisa. Pictures: Thinkstock Images. Article from the December 2013 issue of Boan Magazine.
What do you do when you’re faced with fathering a child you never knew you had or failed to build a relationship with?
Finding out you have a child that you didn’t know about can bring about a lot of emotions, so can deciding to build a relationship with a child you never had hands-on involvement with. “When you have to unexpectedly parent a child who is grown up or a child who you did not expect to raise, there are several emotions that you could experience including shock, anger, denial, confusion, sadness, depression and ultimately acceptance,” says clinical psychologist, Dr Giada Del Fabbro. These are all normal responses to an unexpected situation that will have a major impact on your life. Dr Del Fabbro offers more assistance in this step-by-step breakdown.
Baby Step
Some people choose not to have kids because they are not ready for it, so when a child shows up at your door and needs parenting, things become difficult for everyone involved. Perhaps the child’s biological mom has passed on and you and your partner are the only people who can take care of them or the mother decided only to reveal you as the father later on in the child’s life. Despite the circumstances, you have to take action by including them in your life. Depending on the situation and age, children may take a long time to accept a new parent and forcing a relationship may backfire. Giving kids time to get used to you will prove helpful over time.
Accepting You Have a Child
If the child is already a teenager, it’s important for you to know and understand that adolescence (teenage years) is a difficult stage that needs attention. This stage can be challenging to manage because of the difficulties that come with getting to know a child that you never knew you had. Patience is key; this is a new relationship and it will take time for both of you to get used to one another. It’s important to give the child and yourself time and space to negotiate the new relationship and to accept one another. Find time and activities where you can get to know each other. “With teenagers, it may be useful to start off with short regular visits (if they don’t live with you) where you could share a meal together or take on activities that the teenager enjoys,” advises Del Fabbro.
Getting To Know Tour Child
For teenagers, it’s important to strike a balance between allowing them freedom and space but also being firm with discipline. You and your partner will have to spend some time thinking about what is appropriate and allowed in your house and the kind of behaviour that you would need to discipline. Issues, such as appropriate curfews, school schedules, social arrangements and boyfriends/girlfriends would all need to be thought about and discussed so that the two of you are on the same page. You might find younger kids easier to work with because they adjust quicker than teenagers. Going for parental counselling might help the situation when trying to address any problematic areas that come with trying to build a relationship with your child.
Helping Your Partner Build Relationship
A child who has spent all of their life with their biological mother will have learnt the values and lifestyle of their mother’s home. If you and your partner are meeting the child for the first time, you need to put aside your opinions about their mother’s values or lifestyle. It’s important for you and your partner to spend a lot of time building a relationship with the child before starting to introduce your values and rules. Even once you have established a relationship with the child, you will need to slowly begin actively parenting the child in co-operation with their mother (if she’s still around). It would be important to have a conversation with the mother about her parenting style and to discuss how the two of you can work together.
When The Child Doesn’t like Your Partner
With teenagers, it’s important to give them time and space. If he/she doesn’t like your partner, you need to respect that and not pressurise the relationship to be something different. Your partner will need to ensure that she fulfils her duties and responsibilities as a step-parent first and not compromise these in the hopes of being liked by your child.
Introducing Siblings
This might be difficult, your kids might feel replaced by the new child in the family and it might be hard for them to get along; this is normal. You need to give both your children and your new child time to get used to one another. You cannot force them to get along, but you can do regular activities all together as a family like going to the park or to the movies together. It’s also important to make sure that even if they don’t like one another, they need to be respectful towards each other. You may have to organise joint activities between the children in order to allow them to get to know one another better. It is also important to prepare your kids for such, talk to them about the changes that are about to happen, reassure them that you love them and this is an addition to your warm family so they will not have feelings of anger and resentment.
Don’t Forget Yourself
While it is important to consider the feelings of those around you when another child comes into your family, you first need to deal with your own feelings towards the child and accept your new role. Once you have done this you can begin to decide how this is going to change your relationship with your partner. You and your partner need to spend time discussing how you are going to parent the child and deal with any new challenges that may arise. It is also important to spend quality time together as a couple and discuss any issues that may affect your relationship as a result of the extra family member.
Do’s and Don’ts
- DO – Take a DNA test to make 100% sure that you are the father.
- DO – Try to contact the biological mother if she’s still around. Speak to her and see if you can’t figure out a custody/support agreement, then get it filed through the courts.
- DO – Talk to your new child in a calm, loving manner about the situation and expect some back lash/anger. Let them know it’s okay to be upset.
- DON’T – Expect things to be normal; situations like these take time getting used to. Take things slow as everyone involved will need time to adjust.
- DO – Check up on your ex. As a man, it would help to check up on your ex-girlfriends a few months after a break-up, just to make sure there were no lasting consequences like a pregnancy.
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